Thursday, October 29, 2009

not enough

I wonder why Muslim organizations, particularly in Indonesia, are less organized and limited in providing help programs, compared to Christians? Indonesia is damn famous for being the most populous Muslim nation, but I only think that is because we are over populated. However, what I notice is that far too many Muslims in Indonesia take over context the meaning of PASRAH which literary means : surrendering - to be well.. a little too passive in terms of overcoming social problems. Almost as if people are waiting for a giant hand or miraculously someone of authority to solve it. I am not belittling people in need. I too believe in prayers and in human limitations, but their are far too many sufferings. Too many needs, and far too many misunderstandings in Indonesia. What I'm sad is too many people become hopeless as a result. And in many ways people are mislead in far too many religious sanctions that leaves people stagnant and afraid to take matters into their own hand. When in truth religion should be liberating. They wait for that structure from the government, from people that lead religious organizations. But this is not just about structure, or a limited budget, but also the mindset of our people.

For example when we have Zakat Fitrah in Eid, I watched masses of people on the news, that should have qued up either at a mosque, or wherever they provide those free basic necessities,. Yet people do not learn to line up or wait out of fear they won't receive any. People rush, push and in many cases stomp over each other killing people. I learned that this is a common event every year. Which I can't fathom. There are people donating their money to built mosque after mosque, orphanages, madrasah's - yet they don't necessary provide good facilities, have a good teaching system, or the basic teaching for the student's to be independent. Near my home, student's sleep on a carpet floor all together only with a sarung covering them up. Why?

I once checked out a Christian orphanage for a school project. The place is considerably large, neat, beds were provided and with good learning systems. They teach them ENGLISH as well. Then teach them to wash and cook, in turns. They learn to take turns. Recently, in Bangkok, Alex told me to check out this ship from the US that contained many used books from all over the world. The ship traveled around the world, and I thought hey I'd check it out. I didn't know it was a mission ship, but I got a tour cause a friend from school, Remy turned out to be there and we got a free tour. The people volunteering were from all over the world, they simply take out 2 years of their lives to travel and help in many rural places of the world. However, I was amazed at how organized everything was. The cabin, the laundry, the canteen - they make events, they have dentists, they have cooks, whatever - all of them were professional, but all were volunteers. I don't know whether they go around to preach their teachings as well. The ship stopped in Malaysia and Brunei but was unsurprisingly banned to enter Indonesia. I thought, this is exactly what I'm talking about. We also have a populous amount of Christians in our country that should be free to learn more about their religion. Why does the government have to ban the ship then?? What are they afraid of? I learned from the crew, when they go to certain places, such as a rural areas, they go in and teach the people how to built wells. Or teaching in orphanages and things like how to take care of themselves with medicine. When would or could Islam have such a system? What I think is people need to learn not just to receive things. Whoever those guys are -the authorities, organizations - people need to be reinforced with practical knowledge. Sure spiritual education is necessary but people need guidance and the optimism to understand how to make something more of them selves., so people can learn how to survive with that basic tool of knowledge and not just PASRAH....


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Zombie Walking in BKK

one sided monologue days

A: Since when do you play the guitar??
B: You've known me these many years, and you still don't know that I rock?

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Monday, October 19, 2009

midnight drama






















Midnight magician,
come only at night
the time of tranquil
when no one's in sight

Midnight magician,
I’m losing my spades
please teach me that trick
to make illusions fade

Midnight magician,
come visit my dreams
what you might see
can be terribly mean

Midnight magician,
Do reveal your secret
For the show to go on,
First, make me forget


Saturday, October 10, 2009

look good na, good looking

The most bizarre event happened to me. (As if the stupid things I've done post my 23th birthday isn't enough to describe how immature I've grown lol) I fulfilled a casting request for an insurance commercial. Everybody now: HAHAHAHA!!!

A friend working in the embassy was asked to look for an Indonesian girl, specifically one with a career woman look. Why they had to look for someone from the embassy to be cast is beyond me. Clearly I shrugged it off. I went home and Haris told me to go for it while giving me the number of that person. I took it but I didn't do anything about it until late in the afternoon. It was a home staff who explained to me it was an ad for an insurance product called Prudential Insurance. He also explained casting was going to last till 11 pm, so I sure did take my time. Not out of confidence, I had nothing to expect. But then I thought, hey why not? I thought worse comes to worse I'll still meet producers, see the process..besides they asked the embassy so maybe looks wasn't such a big deal. Or so I thought...

A friend whom promised would come then blew me off last minute. (Great huh! complicated teenage affairs). Dinda could've easily be cast I thought, but she was in Hua hin. And there I left to take a taxi all by myself. Now the problem was the area was somewhere I wasn't familiar with. I was only equipt with a map OF the place, and turns out the taxi driver was illiterate (the weirdness doesn't end there). So I called the casting agent that guided the driver. I walked in to the studio ushered by the casting lady and Lord did my jaw drop. The place was filled with MODELS!! Silky haired-smooth-clean-tall-slim-long legged-don't hate me cuz i'm beautiful- THAI MODELS!!! And not just one or two, MANY!!! I stood there with their eyes looking at me and I literally felt my self esteem drop into the size of a watermelon seed arriving inside my throat and with that I swallowed. Hard. WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING THERE!!! Suddenly the casting lady shoved me an applicant form.

"From what agency?"
"Huh?! agency? No, no...Hmm.. Mr. Toto from the Indonesian Embassy? He told me to come here for the casting. I'm Indonesian."
"ooooh ok. Sure fill in please."

They gave me a script to memorize, in Indonesian. It was bad. The wardrobe lady kindly asked me over to her side to measure me. I got even more nervous. She told me to sit down, amongst those living mannequins. I smiled to everyone, they smiled back. I didn't care to start a conversation with anyone. I just sat there frozen. I was so scared. I was extremely nervous. The only person who I could reach was Anisha who laughed uncontrollably. But she told to go for it. Then the makeup person called me to do my face (I was excepting for him to look at me sideways, raising his eyebrows). His make up was beautiful. How minimalistic it was compared to Indonesian make up artists, esp bridal. Then the hair stylist did my hair. I looked in the mirror and I looked pretty good. Whoever said "Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder" must be good at persuasion. And gay. No straight man out there I tell you..

I waited, til I was the only one left. I was dressed as a corporate lady and wore high heels. I was actually starting to feel confident. The clothes shaped me. Man, I really do have curves. Seriously, I wouldn't trade myself for a stick figure any day. Ok, maybe I could use being just a little taller. And.. the superficiality was getting to my head. Waiting there fidgeting, the memories of my awkward adolescence was starting to crawl back like Sadako from a tv screen. Slowly reaching the fragile pinnacles of whatever s left of my self-esteem. Oh god.. don't open that door..

I memorized my lines too. All my ridiculous acting experience in SAE didn't help at this point. The last model walked out. Geez, she looked like those type of women men would propose on one knee in an aquarium at Sea World, just because. She told me I can enter and wished me good luck. Charming lady, I thought. Inside I watched this Thai guy acting his last bit. He was very nervous. When it came my turn I had to carry a board with my height, weight, name written on it and say it aloud to the camera. I made mistakes. They took side pics and front. I felt like a criminal suspect. Then they told me to sit on a leather chair - the acting part begins. I had to recite the given material taped below the camera which wasn't Indonesian, but English. They told me to act it out while translating. Naturally, many more mistakes.

"MORE POWER! MORE POWER!" The casting lady yelled.
For the love of God.. I'm no actor honey..What I had to do was sit on a leather chair sideways, and at the call of ACTION I was to move my head to the camera and I was meant to start acting the lines in a dangerously powerful manner to the camera. The likes of an Italian Mafia boss, or those antagonists in movies that sit on a leather chair holding an angora, only I didn't have a cat and I was promoting insurance. I really tried to do my best! When we were finished, the director told me I lacked emotion from my eyes...hmmm I wondered how that is? Because the last bit I was told to talk as I normally as I could. I sometimes wonder if that's how people see me? Distant?
Lesson learned : acting skills? NONE!
But now I'm really curious about the tape. I finished at 12 am...!! It was a scary ride home taking the taxi. I really really wished someone was with me through all of this craziness.




I'd like you to understand my desires. If I cannot tell you in words then let it reach you. Somehow, I'm sure it already has, even if you didn't want to.


He is asleep in his room. Shadows of my fear stretch across my walls. Let them reach him. Let them reach him in in all its strange form, in all my awkward linings. Regardless how bizarre. Doesn't he know? He should have. How the distance of space limits me. The hope he'll understand. 

Let them tiptoe their way into his dreams. I'm afraid, but I'm more afraid he will never realize when in time he'll find something more meaningful. Those shadows leave voices of unkindness. Their figures stretch along his bed forgetting to carry our time capsule. Please wake up before the memories fade. Why aren't you awake yet?

I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to be in rage. I want to do it all for you. Understand me, kiss me, and hold me. Ever so strong that I would start see colors circle before me. Drug me so I wouldn't see you in my dreams. Then I'll promise myself to live for every tomorrow.


Saturday, October 03, 2009

31st of Sept.
We were stricken by another unexpected earthquake this time in my mother's hometown of Padang, West Sumatera. The earthquake's magnitude reached up to a massive 7.6 Scale Richter and had devastatingly killed hundreds, and thousands injured or lost under landslides and houses. This powerful earthquake shook other cities in Sumatera including my sisters residence in Bengkulu.

While my immediate family is safe, I understand how unfortunate these things are and yet there is little you can do to prevent a natural disaster. What makes me so furious back in Jakarta, The parliament used over Rp 46 trillion for the process of mass recruiting Indonesian celebrities as legislatives. What the hell for??

Why do we keep acting so stupid? What are these people after (besides obviously money)? they clearly have the money, why do they need more??? What do they know about people's needs?? They think, by publicly announcing that their first income will be donated to this disaster shows how noble it is to join the parliament? Why would you tell anyone if you donated??

I've lost complete respect for any of these fucked up soap actors and the parliament. From the unreasonable film bill, health bill etc suggesting oppressed governance. When I came back from Bangkok, I kept comparing this city's deficiencies with a city like Bangkok. I kept thinking how far we are behind, and how difficult it is to be independent. But I kept reminding myself of my goals, and one of them is to find a way to contribute in improving the country, because I want to be able to live here, and I'm sure other people desperately want to. It makes me optimistic thinking about what I can do. Yet these questions cross my mind as I still recall a foreign journalist friend of ours asking,
"Did you vote? Every time you come back do see a change? What has changed in Jakarta?"
What has changed in Jakarta?
Am I naively keeping faith over nothing? What has changed?
What the hell did I vote for?

Friday, October 02, 2009

waves of humiliation

don' t think I wanna know
all you're unspoken reasons
you know i'll never win
with my awkward lines
and dim witted moves
you know i completely melt
for that kindness that
doesn't skip a beat for me

you know i'm not going to open that door
you should've called me
you should've taken me out
where we'd talk forever
in the lamest place in the city
where we're going to make fun of everyone
for not being us