Friday, January 30, 2009
cash & clocks, writers blocks, hedgehogs
Ellie Parker: I remember when the future was a promise; now it's like a threat.
Today I submitted my half assed script. I made it hastily. I made it with my brain half asleep.
Today you talked. I listened. But you don't understand. And I need to understand. How am I supposed to learn, man.
Today I ate McDonald's sitting from above. I watched people walking with fancy clothes, working class clothes, and/or minimum clothes.
Today I noticed the status-quo. High maintained. Stacy-Q's.
Today I witnessed a time bomb.
Today I felt life creeping.
Today I saw my future.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
i'm in awe
Sun been down for days
A winter melody she plays
The thunder makes her contemplate
She hears a noise behind the gate
Perhaps a letter with a dove
Perhaps a stranger she could love
A winter melody she plays
The thunder makes her contemplate
She hears a noise behind the gate
Perhaps a letter with a dove
Perhaps a stranger she could love
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
borderline
One very late evening in Bangkok, I was lying in my room eavesdropping at my parents that were discussing my future from the living room. Suddenly the phone rang. My dad picked up. Minutes later I hear a very loud; "HAH?????"
Afterwards all I heard was silence. Followed by their voices exchanging a slight argument, but this time they're words were unclear. I hear silence again. Suddenly my dad barges in my room where my sister is sound asleep and myself pretending to be. He lit the room and I felt him stand there for some time before deciding to wake me up abruptly.
"Noy..noyo..bangun"
"Hah... apaan...", I pretend to wake up with a drowsy look on my face.
I looked at him sitting at the end of my bed with a face that was hard to describe. He looked serious but I could've sworn I noticed a faint smile in his eyes. He seemed defeated but somewhat glad. My mom is standing at the door.
"Kamu punya kembar, Noy..."
Afterwards all I heard was silence. Followed by their voices exchanging a slight argument, but this time they're words were unclear. I hear silence again. Suddenly my dad barges in my room where my sister is sound asleep and myself pretending to be. He lit the room and I felt him stand there for some time before deciding to wake me up abruptly.
"Noy..noyo..bangun"
"Hah... apaan...", I pretend to wake up with a drowsy look on my face.
I looked at him sitting at the end of my bed with a face that was hard to describe. He looked serious but I could've sworn I noticed a faint smile in his eyes. He seemed defeated but somewhat glad. My mom is standing at the door.
"Kamu punya kembar, Noy..."
---
It turns out I have a twin brother only shy of 3 minutes after I was born in Sofia, Bulgaria. The truth was my mother always thought she yearned for a boy but didn't know she was expecting one, and later didn't know what to expect after surprisingly giving birth to one. Every sonogram pointed to a girl and he just assumed she was carrying a fat baby girl. Or maybe I was covering him up. Right then and there after that particular delivery she was mortified. As the doctor held him in his hands to show her it was a boy, this terrible vision of him growing up to be a cross dresser entered her mind. She only prepared herself for a girl. Another girl. She didn't know if she was capable of raising a boy with three other girls in the house, without him growing up to be non-straight. In horror she made a hasty decision with the hospital to put him up for adoption. What could've been a less lonesome and boring life for us both was taken away right then. And we were separated. I was told that something similar almost happened when she was expecting my little sister. My mom had always been indecisive.
---
I met him for the first time when I turned 20. He visited Bangkok, because I was there. He claims to always wanted to go to Indonesia. He is taller than me, maybe around 6 ft. His skin slightly darker. He wore glasses. He had very short hair that was a lighter shade of black. His face.. besides not owning my trademark full lips, did bare some resemblance to me. It was hard to swallow.
It was hard to conceive that this boy could abruptly come from nowhere and easily claim to be who he was, or accept that my mom gave him away that easily. Why now? and how did he find us? Aren't you angry? Does my mom feel guilt or regret? How can she live carrying this secret for 20 years? I alone assumed the reaction I witness in soap opera's, but to my disbelief him and my mom, and the rest of the family accepted everything like we were welcoming a normal guest. He stayed with us for a month. He doesn't speak a word of Indonesian. He wasn't more talkative then I am. So I did all the interrogating. He was even tempered. He was quiet but calm. Emotionally collected than I was. That annoyed me. He loved physics. He was computer literate, and good at sports. That annoyed me even more. If he was my left side of the brain, we would've made a whole person.
He was raised by a high school math teacher and a piano teacher but other than being able to play the harmonica, he ownes no artistic ability what so ever. But like me he loved to travel. He told me he had strong humanitarian pursuits, and that one of his lifelong goal is to work or even build his own non-profit organization that emphasizes on conserving energy resources in developing countries. It was the only time he started to actually talk. In fact he he started moving to other worldly topics and yapped non stop about all this global economic jargon and seeing rural places in the world. God, is he boring. One thing we had in common was that our love life sucked. He had little self-esteem. For a second I believed that possibly in the womb we were joint at the heart.
My father talked to him about his life and what he wanted to do during dinner, and they kept talking. My brother became interested in his achievements and expressed his wish to gain more knowledge under my dads wing about being a diplomat. My father offered him to stay with us. One thing lead to another, and not long after he decided to go to an Indonesian university to study the language, and do a degree in international relations. My father was beyond thrilled. 'Finally, someone to pass my dreams on.. and go fishing with.'
He claims to want to make up for lost time and get to know my sisters and relatives more. And if I could quote he actually said something along the lines; "getting back to my roots". He now lives in our house and goes to Universitas Indonesia doing a masters degree. He even wanted to change his nationality for the sake of it. I don't understand how you could possibly be a representative of Indonesia to other countries when you are barely raised as one, but I don't care.
How easy can this be? The burden for myself and my sister to live up to my parents expectations and make them happy is completely uplifted. Someone's doing that for us. I'm thrilled. Though some part of me hated him for being the one to make my parents happy. But what I hated most is that this story just wouldn't come true.
It was hard to conceive that this boy could abruptly come from nowhere and easily claim to be who he was, or accept that my mom gave him away that easily. Why now? and how did he find us? Aren't you angry? Does my mom feel guilt or regret? How can she live carrying this secret for 20 years? I alone assumed the reaction I witness in soap opera's, but to my disbelief him and my mom, and the rest of the family accepted everything like we were welcoming a normal guest. He stayed with us for a month. He doesn't speak a word of Indonesian. He wasn't more talkative then I am. So I did all the interrogating. He was even tempered. He was quiet but calm. Emotionally collected than I was. That annoyed me. He loved physics. He was computer literate, and good at sports. That annoyed me even more. If he was my left side of the brain, we would've made a whole person.
He was raised by a high school math teacher and a piano teacher but other than being able to play the harmonica, he ownes no artistic ability what so ever. But like me he loved to travel. He told me he had strong humanitarian pursuits, and that one of his lifelong goal is to work or even build his own non-profit organization that emphasizes on conserving energy resources in developing countries. It was the only time he started to actually talk. In fact he he started moving to other worldly topics and yapped non stop about all this global economic jargon and seeing rural places in the world. God, is he boring. One thing we had in common was that our love life sucked. He had little self-esteem. For a second I believed that possibly in the womb we were joint at the heart.
My father talked to him about his life and what he wanted to do during dinner, and they kept talking. My brother became interested in his achievements and expressed his wish to gain more knowledge under my dads wing about being a diplomat. My father offered him to stay with us. One thing lead to another, and not long after he decided to go to an Indonesian university to study the language, and do a degree in international relations. My father was beyond thrilled. 'Finally, someone to pass my dreams on.. and go fishing with.'
He claims to want to make up for lost time and get to know my sisters and relatives more. And if I could quote he actually said something along the lines; "getting back to my roots". He now lives in our house and goes to Universitas Indonesia doing a masters degree. He even wanted to change his nationality for the sake of it. I don't understand how you could possibly be a representative of Indonesia to other countries when you are barely raised as one, but I don't care.
How easy can this be? The burden for myself and my sister to live up to my parents expectations and make them happy is completely uplifted. Someone's doing that for us. I'm thrilled. Though some part of me hated him for being the one to make my parents happy. But what I hated most is that this story just wouldn't come true.
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