whooosh

What a week!!
I've handed in my work,stopped going to school and so I've decided to recollect my life back with friends, and new ones, and man has it been crazy. Lets talk about the good stuff first and talk serious later. LOL

Watched the Sequel to the Transformers today!!!!!!!! AWESOMENESS TO THE MAX TIMES A THOUSAND!!! WOOOHOOO!!!!



Honestly, I'm so glad a friend booked it for us and took us to watch in limited seats for the movie. I've never watched anything in IMAX, and what a perfect movie to watch it as this transformers movie was deliberately shot with 70mm film (for IMAX), and the first time to be done that way to! I was such in awe with HOW BIG the screen was, added the whole effect of the movie etc etc that I didn't stop making these unsubtle reactions from the beginning to the end LOL... kinda embarrasing since before the movie began my friend Trin and I, both IMAX virgins, (that easily sounded like a tampex commercial gone wrong) in astonishment to the size of the screen, we reacted by making this loud "oooooh,,,,uuuuu!!" sounds which were naturally followed by the turning of at least 5 heads in front of us, and long angry stares. Hahahah.

Story wise..we all know that isn't important..hahaha
I knew how the story would end, but its still great that I could still react to every turning point in excitement - I didn't stopped going WHOO!

Another movie I'm dying to watch














Where the Wild things Are by Spike Jonze.
Been following him since he made Adaptation. another late discovery, but oh well) Truly one of the brilliant modern directors and writers out there. To bad him and Sophia Coppola divorced, as they are both my heroes. Otherwise they would've made a hell of masterpiece together say they joined their genius brains together. Or romantically, as a couple, that would be the ideal, to have a partner with the same vision. I think so.

Anyway, I love these type of movies, and I've noticed the type of movies I respond to have a great theme to them, Yes,love - but also ones with great imagination that manages to tickle my inner child. I guess I've always had a peter pan syndrome. There's something reminiscent and bittersweet about being a kid and living in your own made up world.

"An adaptation of Maurice Sendak's classic children's story, where Max, a disobedient little boy sent to bed without his supper, creates his own world--a forest inhabited by ferocious wild creatures that crown Max as their ruler". - imdb ( can't write a synopsis since i haven't watched it! ;p)

presidential election coming our way

I know I'm a total hypocrite for desperately avoiding living in my own country these many years, but let me tell you why I would still vote.

1.) Whatever change that will happen, theres only one movement that is going to favor this change which is moving progressively. Our country has been in the slums and can go far worse that what we are encountering right now. But economically we've upscaled, (although still not enough to even pay off our debt :S), and indonesia compared to other neighbouring asean countries won't be greatly affected by the reccession, and i've noticed that there are more foreigners residing in Jakarta, (though not as much as I would remember in the 90s during Suharto's reign) but this is a positive thing, meaning= investors, and investors believing in our potential.

2.) My father never pushed me to vote, but he is one of the great reasons i am rather nationalistic. Hihi.

3.) Pluralism. My family is very conservative which would mean they would chose an islamic party. I've noticed a great deal of people I've talked to during the legislative election, chose an islamic party. This is the beauty of democracy. I disagree of having the sharia h laws of islam laid down as the sole foundation of our countries laws - despite the fact that I am a muslim- because our country is NOT consisted of Muslims ONLY. There are 5 main religions that are legal in indonesia which means there should be a fair leadership that would consider the benefit and justice of ALL beliefs. Hence, I did not choose an Islamic party.

4.) The right to vote, better yet, the chance to vote.
There were 44 legislatives that could easily have scumbag written on there photos. But compare our chances with what women in saudi arabia, lebanon or our neighbouring country brunei for instance. Women do not get to vote. And yet I have this chance in my hand, as a woman, I don't think I want to throw away that easily. Compared to choosing none at all, I would still pick the lesser of 44 evils.

5.) Democracy again.
As a filmmaker wannabe, MUI's ridiculous anti-pornography bill is plain stupid. This is a typical tactic to control the society, not liberating them. Try NOT producing them at all huh?? Or why don't you try to make a system where you can brainwash the minds of ALL men??

6.) I still have hope. And I want to live in an Indonesia that I CAN LIVE IN..!!

baby, i'll miss

reality calling

crazy clocks in my house
spinning uncontrollably
break them!
throw them!
put them in the fridge!
put them in the ice tray
hope time would also freeze

reflect

I have been sleepwalking for 6 years.
Those years of my life
struggling to be present
i wake up to your name
every place i've stepped foot
the many faces i meet
my vision blurred
i'm not there

i thought i've finally had meaning
but all these memories were never mine
you can't lose what you've never had

i've told myself that i've forgotten
i only wake up to a reminder

what do you have to loose this time?

it's the final countdown

I keep reminding myself that I can't keep living like a total lost vagabond in search of something.

But, I can't believe it. I am leaving Bangkok? Really?

I feel like the words are just slipping out of my mouth. But lately its been slowly sinking in and slowly drowning me in sentimentality. I'm feel like I'm heart broken..?
All my life, any place I've been fortunate to live in, cannot compare. Why?
I have so many memories here, one of the bests- the place that gave me the chance to actually 'live'. Compared to anywhere else. How can you love a place that isn't even yours without being ridden with guilt? And wonder, what the hell are you doing, escaping and living a comfortable, though a rather lonely life, when your father has worked sick all his life for the better sake of YOU and your country??? Shouldn't you be contributing something? Instead putting all your potential in selfish pursuits?

I used to be in this position when i was going to leave Beijing for good. But i didn't love it as much, a greater part of me was looking forward for something new. I always knew i would come back. And I wasn't as sad as I am now.

A friend was leaving to Jakarta for a better job offer, and we went to the airport to drop her off. As we did she told us not to bid farewell or talk to her about comparing life here or anything cuz its going to be hard on her. She used to live in Sydney for almost 5 years, and kept repeating, the short time she's lived there, or anywhere is nothing in comparison to Bangkok. Can you imagine the magic of this place? Its insane.

I ridicule myself with optimism everyday, believing I need to be firm with my dreams.
I need to attain them. I need to learn. And I need to be with my family now then ever.
I do believe I've given my best shot. Have I?
Should I?

I hope I'll make the right choice.. help me God..

Synopsis hehe

Charlie was a timid young writer,
who was also a bit of a daydreamer.
He would daydream at any moment,
never learning to live in the current.

The day came when he felt beaten,
writing a suspense with no clever weapon,
He realized that he couldn't end,
a story where reality transcends

Frustrated to find his head blocked,
He decides to escape to his dream
where his giant block was successfully clocked
he awoke to his finished work with a gleam

Once he felt sure,
he left to see an editor
who questioned his work and threw it like dirt
and mocked him endlessly till Charlie was hurt

"How do you propose that this is possible?Murdering with a pen is ludicrously impossible!"

Charlie couldn't take this tiny critique
he followed the editor who was taking a leak
He took out his drawing pen and opened the head
and stabbed the editor until he was dead.

Charlie found himself in the editors office sitting
realizing that he had been day dreaming
he waited and wondered the editors where abouts
when suddenly a staff came rushing out

the staff told the receptionist that what he found,
the editor not breathing on the bathroom ground
Charlie in shock, stands there withdrawn,
he goes through his pocket to find his pen gone.

potato head

“I chose the potato to portray human faces because of the many striking parallels. Not only is their skin porous like ours, but their skin texture and color is very similar, and like us, they come in different sizes, shapes and forms. Potatoes grow, live, and then decay, mirroring the ephemeral existence and fragility of our own human nature.”

Ginou Choueiri

READ

Challenge your world.com is a place where you can contribute absolutely any idea you have in your brain to suggest whatever bit of a difference you want to create. This website  allows us to utilize the heighten sophistication of webcommunication nowadays, and remind us that you don't have to have an elaborate plan to start something new. You can sign up and write down anything, and just wait till people from around the world give you feedback and suggestions.

This is a great way to document your ideas, and discuss them with professionals that would cultivate your ideas, you can go back to them whenever or ask for feedback when no one is around to talk. LOL. 

my user name Raisha Ibrahim.

Maxwell - Lifetime
Uploaded by klmbaby - See the latest featured music videos.

how we connect today

my facebook network.

from another blogger

BE MORE OPTIMISTIC, INDONESIANS!!

Most of indonesians are now very pessimistic about their future, some regret why they supported the reform movement 10 years ago (Reformasi). You know what? SO WERE THE RUSSIANS !!! They were frustrated when communism fell, and experienced the worst economic condition in their history. 
Now look at them !


Prof. Jeffrey Sachs, presidential adviser for 39 developing countries in Asia, South America and the leftovers of USSR, said this very encouraging views..

"“It is not fair to compare Indonesia with it’s neighboring countries such as Singapore and Malaysia, or any other country in the world in that case. Indonesia has changed from a totally centralized country to a decentralized country virtually overnight. Indonesia has changed from a Dictatorship to a Democracy virtually overnight. Indonesia has changed to a liberal country virtually overnight. No other country has been through what Indonesia has been through virtually overnight. The closest example is the USSR. When the USSR split up, it experienced similar changes to what Indonesia had, virtually overnight. In that condition, Russia’s economy had a NEGATIVE growth that year. In that same condition, Indonesia’s Economy GREW. It had POSITIVE growth. If I were an Indonesian, I would be proud of that achievement. And I would predict a much brighter future".

This person is a true nationalist. Its refreshing to read about his incredibly optimistic take on my country's future when everyone else ( I included) contradict, and endlessly bash the system especially at this time of global recession . His blog contains well informed perspectives upon various developments in Indonesia. Awesome! I should broaden my horizon a bit.. This page is  such a good place to learn, and get ideas and mentally prepare myself, especially when I finally leave for good..!

READ HERE!

and the cats in the cradle, and the silver spoon

You know, sometimes I feel this close.

This close to completely letting go about my past, and the scrutiny of what people expect me to be, and what I expect myself to be. This close to finally being comfortable in my skin. This close to living simply, starting a new life and new career. This close to allowing myself to fall in love again. This close to sharing- without any inhibitions.

But I'm always torn between what I love and what I'd love to give.

Don't you know it is my number one biggest aspiration to make you proud? I want to be that person, and I truly don't want to hurt anyone. I am beyond afraid of revealing who I truly am even though I feel you are starting to understand who I really am, and who I'm becoming- which is you. Hurting you is inevitable. I too, want to be home. I want to embrace every privileges in life including spending time with you and everyone, and just sit and be- as two individuals - nothing more. But I wish you can see that I feel so terrified of failing you more then anyone in my life. Sometimes I wish I wasn't what I am Dad.

Vincent - Tim Burton

One of Tim Burton's first film

love is hell by matt groening

me hammered

Wuaks... Finally. After so many coffee's and sleepless days and betrayals, and disappointments, and petty irrelevant arguments.. and carrying shit loads of intensely heavy equipments up and down my third floor apartment, and..ever growing anxiety pimples (ew haha) my production for my final is finito.

HAMMERTIME!!!!!! (oooh oooooh)
















Now.. all i need to do is get my hand moving to do editing. And work on my freelance job.. And my packing. . and my visa, and my real job hunt..and do the animation.. and inquire the score.. and do the some adr.. and color correction..and treat everyone out..and mentally prepare myself for the outside world and and.. i'll start tmrw.
I promise. Haha...

ode to my will power

don't run,
don't run from me
not now.

Now that I've slowly started to resurface.

Come back to my roots.

Come back closer to home.

Now that I have you at the tip of my fingers

Now that I can feel your warmth.

Now that I am holding strong to that desire

Now that I finally have the courage

to sink

further deeper

deeper

into an oblivion

of orange

and red

Now that I'm ready

stay with me.

make me feel

don't run from me.

some packaging and advertising i like

I am always amazed at the extremity Thailands advertising would go to. Its amazing how much they invest and take risks for good ideas. This is a launch of a colgate product I found in siam. It is small room with igloo's that during entrance you would actually feel the coolness and the smell of fresh mint in the air! hhhmmm. i was almost tempted haha.

reasons to men bash

1. no effort
2. no effort
3. no effort

4. personally for me, approaching someone i barely know is important at the same time out of my character, so! if it has gone this far from a normal friendship, and i have already opened the door for you and you still don't have the guts to get to know me inside out then what are you doing here? The least you can do is THINK = You have no stance with me, COWARD!

5. coward-ness. you serious? you call yourself.. a man?

6. indecisiveness - if you do, then prove it. Make up your mind. Because there is no one, dumb enough, esp I, that will want stay waiting forever.

7. Sok tau. Arrogance. Men that demean women.
Talking big about themselves and their achievements, like their tools, whatever it is, their know how as if it forms their entire identity, or as if they are trying to compensate for what they do not really have, and actually cannot provide. In reality, what do you really have? would you be single otherwise!

8. alpha male - whut u tryin to prove that ur a jagoaaaan ye? esp the james bond on steroids type.

9. liaaaaaaaaars. all the way. every way.

10. pemales.

11. inability to commit. In anything. (work, religion, family values...c'mon man ur big enough too learn how to stop running away.)

12. inability to commit.

13. Childish, immature a.k.a men that don't act their age. Or is too vain too realize it.

14. STUPIDITY.

i'm like a bird

Hari ini diadakan bazar diplomatik - internasional yang tiap tahun di selenggarakan oleh palang merah , : diplomatic red cross bazaar. Bazaar yang dipenuhi oleh tiap negara untuk mempromosikan budaya masing2, menjual produk2 khas negara masing2 yang hasilnya kemudian di sumbangkan kepada Palang Merah Thailand.

Adek gue dan temen2 diminta memakai kebaya dan menerima Putri Thailand, yang membuka acara ini, dan membantu menjaga stand indonesia seharian penuh. Secara gue baru tahu ada acara ini sampe kemaren, gue ga ikut menjaga stand, yang katanya mesti siap dari jam 4 pagi. Lagian gue juga ahem sibuk,(pdhl sih ga ada minta jadi partisipan..haha). Dulu tiap tahunnya ibu2 dharma wanita termasuk my mom yang biasa nya sibuk mengkoordinasi stand yang diisi dengan baju2 batik, kain, makanan khas indonesia, di jual seharian penuh. Gue hampir lupa dengan acara ini dan sebenarnya gue juga heran kenapa kita di minta, lah wong kita udah bukan bagian kbri lagi hehe.

Gue dateng lumayan telat, haha, sekitar jam 4 sore dimana hampir semua stand udah mau tutup. Gue pikir udah ga ada gunanya juga bayar masuk, eh ternyata just in time gue hadir ada acara nari di panggung yg ternyata di buat oleh anak2 smp-sma SIB. Mereka menarikan tarian Saman dari Aceh yang penuh koordinasi tangan yang rumit. Seperti biasa, kita sukses menggaet ricuh penonton termasuk gue yg , selalu siap tepuk tangan dan teriak2 dgn noraknya (heh, super kampungan..) tiap kali nonton tarian tersebut. Hehe.. well i can't help it. Bangga bgt gue, Good job guys!

Kemudian gue ke stand Indonesia. Gue kaget ada demonstrasi membatik kain oleh pembatik professional. Spontan gue ngerenggek minta nyoba hehe, secara dari dulu gue pengen banget belajar. Karena pemula, gue di kasih kayu berbentuk burung dan di ajarkan prosesnya. Bahan serupa tinta yang di gunakan untuk membuat pattern batik itu ternyata lilin yang di lelehkan. ("Ooohh..") Kemudian kayu yang mirip pipa rokok untuk membatik itu di celupkan ke dalem lilin cair yang masih di rebus tersebut. Cairan lilinnya masuk dari atas lobang kayu itu. Ini yang membuat membatik itu sebuah kreativitas yang membutuhkan kesabaran dan ketelatenan yg tinggi. Hehe. Karena selain harus sempurna menggikuti garis lukisan ternyata ada cara khusus untuk memegang kayu itu biar cairan lilinnya ga tumpah dari lobang tadi, karena selain panas banget bakal bleberan kemana2. Gitu lhoooooo. Hebatnya cairan lilin tsbt akan langsung kering di atas kayu/ kain dlm sekejap. Selesei, burung gue (huuss) di celupkan ke dalam lilin berwarna merah untuk diwarnai. Berapa menit kemudian warna tinta coklat yang gue lukis tadi hilang tapi membentuk garisan lukisannya. Seperti ini:

Hehe. Okay its not much, tapi kereeen kaaan. Dan the lady yang nyuruh gue nulis nama gue. Ga mungkin kan gue se narsis itu. :))

Gue jalan2 keliling stand2 lain. Amerika, Jerman, Italy. Gue peratiin yang mereka jual, wine, keju, sosis frankfurt hehe. Dan huuuu mana ada sih yang kayak gini. Yang mereka jual bukan komoditas. Bukan budaya. Gue cintaaaa banget sama budaya tradisional gue yang lengkap dan pure. Lantas, kenapa gue bimbang untuk pulang??

Bukan kondisi jakarta yang gue pedulikan. Bukan macetnya yang sebenarnya memang bikin gue teriak2 gila di mobil. Gue pernah sekolah disana dan udah gue terimalah. Yang jadi pikiran dari karir gue, lifestyle orang2 jakarta yang sombongnya setinggi langit en kosmopolitan yang secara otomatis bikin hedonistik. Sorry, Not everyone is. Tapi penggalaman kuliah gue disana bikin gue berpikir picik. Bikin gue merasa tidak diterima. Seolah2 gue persona non grata di negeri sendiri. Malah gue lebih seneng berkunjung ke daerah di luar jakarta. Kyk jogja, bandung, kmrn2..bengkulu. No malls, no mall rat, no annoying mas2 tengil, no bitchy anak jakarta yang kerjanya gaya and gosip doang. Jujur, selama gue hidup dan selama gue Alhamdullilah dikasih kesempatan tinggal dinegeri2 orang, baru kali inilah di Bangkok ini gue bener2 belajar. Bukan dari sisi akedemis, melainkan dari beragamnya orang2 yang gue temui di kota ini. Disinilah gue mendapati perpekstif lain tentang Indonesia, tentang hidup, tentang agama, tentang karir, beragamnya pola pikir orang. Baik dibidang gue yang kreatif, orang2 Indonesia yang mengejar cita2 dgn menunjang pendidikannya, perspektif orang2 asing, orang2 lokal..orang2 yg dari kalangan atas, tengah.. yg hidup disini cmn untuk berfoya2.. sampai dengan orang2 dengan pengalaman hidup yang benar2 luar biasa, yang selama ini gue percayai cuman eksis di film2 atau novel. Dan hal yang paling gue pelajari di tempat ini, bahwa sgt memungkinkan di dunia ini adanya orang2 yang akan menerima gue, yg jujur tanpa pamrih, justru gue dapati disini.

Ah kok gue jadi takut. Padahal orang tua gue kerja untuk pemerintah dan ga pernah menyuruh kita membenci negara sendiri. Gue dan kakak2 adek gue di suruh nari, nanyilah etc di tiap acara kbri untuk appreciate nilai seni yg kita punya. Kita di sekolahkan di sekolah lokal untuk belajar bahasa indonesia. Kita di suruh belajar di luar untuk alasan menggunakan ilmu itu dan merubah situasi negara gue semampu kita. Bukannya biar melarikan diri di negeri orang kayak buronan. Hehe.. Pdhl appresiasi untuk film indonesia gue lumayan tinggi.. terkecuali film blo'on yang ga bermakna and/or penuh porno yang bikin stress nontonnya. Tapi kenapa gue takut pindah ke negara sendiri. Aye bimbang... waktu gue ga banyak. Identitas gue, rumah gue dimana ye..

So you're there.

Sudden, fleeting

Standing

between smiles and motion

but you're not smiling for me

Aku pernah baca sebuah kalimat: 

Aku merasa paling dekat dengan keabadian saat memikirkan dirimu.
Apa yang akan terbersit dipikiranmu bila mendengar kata-kata ini?

Banyak yang kurenungkan. Dari sebuah kalimat pendek ini spontan aku memikirkan tentang cinta. Klise memang. Walaupun terlihat konyol dan mudah emosi, I've always remained an impossible romantic. Dan itu yang takkan berubah. Tapi kadang, cinta dalam arti luas. Yang aku pikirkan bukan hanya perasaan cinta terhadap satu individu, tapi juga perasaan sayangku kepada orang-orang terdekat yang selalu kurindukan hadirnya. Kemudian agamaku. Tuhanku. Hal ini membuatku bertanya kenapa orang-orang yang kusayang hadir lebih dulu di benakku, baru kemudian Tuhan? Dan kenapa perasaan itu tak bisa sama besarnya untuk agamaku sendiri?

Akhir-akhir ini ada banyak hal yang membuatku ingin mendekat kepada-Nya. Dua kali hilangnya kartu atm, hilangnya dompet adik (yang Alhamdullilah dikembalikan), Bulan ramadhan yang mendekat, tambahnya umurku bulan depan, dan terutama hari-hari yang tak ubahnya kulalui dengan perasaan hampa. Aku memang manusia picik. Diterpa cobaan sedikit saja baru usaha puasa sunah dan sholat tanpa bolong-bolong secara konsisten. Tetapi terlebih-lebih karena ada satu hal yang sedang mengusik pikiranku.
Hari ini pulang dari kelas aku berjalan kaki dari nana sampai rumah di petchburi. Itu yang aku paling suka disini- tersedianya tempat berjalan kaki karena aku suka jalan kaki sendirian. Dan aku suka jalan kaki untuk melihat pemandangan menarik, atau tempat-tempat unik, dan juga untuk berpikir. Tiap hentakan kaki rasanya kurang afdol jika aku tidak mulai mempertanyaan tentang arti keberadaanku selama tinggal di Bangkok ini. Emang dasar sakit jiwa...Lalu entah dari mana, kalimat itu menghantam pikiranku. Hatiku terasa teriris sesuatu yang tajam. Dan bagaimanapun aku mencoba mengabaikannya hal yang pertama muncul dibenak adalah perasaanku saat ini kepada salah seorang sahabatku.
Baru kali ini selama lebih dari 7 tahun persahabatan kita, aku bertengkar dengannya hingga memakinya. Timbul rasa benci dari egoku yang kuakui sebesar gunung timbuktu, mungkin. Dia, salah seorang yang seharusnya paling memahamiku -  telah mencemooh hal yang paling sensitif tentang situasiku saat ini. Rasanya, kok ya sakit hati ya. Kenapa orang yang paling kupercaya bisa setega itu. Rasanya secara impulsif ingin kuhilangkan dia dari hidupku, walaupun aku tahu betul itu sama sekali tidak mungkin. Hubungan kita memang sedari dulu rumit, tapi dalam. Aku sayang dia seperti keluarga. Aku sama sekali tak ingin kehilangannya. Hubungan yang disertai perasaan yang dulu kusandangkan dengan arti keabadian tadi. Tapi sekarang? Betapa anehnya perasaan manusia yang bisa bertahan bertahun-tahun tapi berubah setika dalam hitungan detik.

Aku ga bisa memaafkannya- sampai dia minta maaf. Bak ratu yang menuntut rakyatnya tunduk. Apakah aku masih bisa di bilang manusiawi ya? Hatiku keras. Kenapa rasa tinggi hati ini ga mau hilang? Kenapa aku ga pernah bisa belajar berlapang dada?Forgive my arrogance. God, forgive me. Make me learn to change..

cash & clocks, writers blocks, hedgehogs

Ellie Parker: I remember when the future was a promise; now it's like a threat.


Today I submitted my half assed script. I made it hastily. I made it with my brain half asleep.
Today you talked. I listened. But you don't understand. And I need to understand. How am I supposed to learn, man.
Today I ate McDonald's sitting from above. I watched people walking with fancy clothes, working class clothes, and/or minimum clothes.
Today I noticed the status-quo. High maintained. Stacy-Q's.
Today I witnessed a time bomb.
Today I felt life creeping.
Today I saw my future.

i'm in awe

Sun been down for days
A winter melody she plays
The thunder makes her contemplate
She hears a noise behind the gate
Perhaps a letter with a dove
Perhaps a stranger she could love

bad black moon

the undertones & Billy Joel

borderline

One very late evening in Bangkok, I was lying in my room eavesdropping at my parents that were discussing my future from the living room. Suddenly the phone rang. My dad picked up. Minutes later I hear a very loud; "HAH?????"

Afterwards all I heard was silence. Followed by their voices exchanging a slight argument, but this time they're words were unclear. I hear silence again. Suddenly my dad barges in my room where my sister is sound asleep and myself pretending to be. He lit the room and I felt him stand there for some time before deciding to wake me up abruptly.

"Noy..noyo..bangun"
"Hah... apaan...", I pretend to wake up with a drowsy look on my face.

I looked at him sitting at the end of my bed with a face that was hard to describe. He looked serious but I could've sworn I noticed a faint smile in his eyes. He seemed defeated but somewhat glad. My mom is standing at the door.

"Kamu punya kembar, Noy..."

---

It turns out I have a twin brother only shy of 3 minutes after I was born in Sofia, Bulgaria. The truth was my mother always thought she yearned for a boy but didn't know she was expecting one, and later didn't know what to expect after surprisingly giving birth to one. Every sonogram pointed to a girl and he just assumed she was carrying a fat baby girl. Or maybe I was covering him up. Right then and there after that particular delivery she was mortified. As the doctor held him in his hands to show her it was a boy, this terrible vision of him growing up to be a cross dresser entered her mind. She only prepared herself for a girl. Another girl. She didn't know if she was capable of raising a boy with three other girls in the house, without him growing up to be non-straight. In horror she made a hasty decision with the hospital to put him up for adoption. What could've been a less lonesome and boring life for us both was taken away right then. And we were separated. I was told that something similar almost happened when she was expecting my little sister. My mom had always been indecisive.

---

I met him for the first time when I turned 20. He visited Bangkok, because I was there. He claims to always wanted to go to Indonesia. He is taller than me, maybe around 6 ft. His skin slightly darker. He wore glasses. He had very short hair that was a lighter shade of black. His face.. besides not owning my trademark full lips, did bare some resemblance to me. It was hard to swallow.

It was hard to conceive that this boy could abruptly come from nowhere and easily claim to be who he was, or accept that my mom gave him away that easily. Why now? and how did he find us? Aren't you angry? Does my mom feel guilt or regret? How can she live carrying this secret for 20 years? I alone assumed the reaction I witness in soap opera's, but to my disbelief him and my mom, and the rest of the family accepted everything like we were welcoming a normal guest. He stayed with us for a month. He doesn't speak a word of Indonesian. He wasn't more talkative then I am. So I did all the interrogating. He was even tempered. He was quiet but calm. Emotionally collected than I was. That annoyed me. He loved physics. He was computer literate, and good at sports. That annoyed me even more. If he was my left side of the brain, we would've made a whole person.

He was raised by a high school math teacher and a piano teacher but other than being able to play the harmonica, he ownes no artistic ability what so ever. But like me he loved to travel. He told me he had strong humanitarian pursuits, and that one of his lifelong goal is to work or even build his own non-profit organization that emphasizes on conserving energy resources in developing countries. It was the only time he started to actually talk. In fact he he started moving to other worldly topics and yapped non stop about all this global economic jargon and seeing rural places in the world. God, is he boring. One thing we had in common was that our love life sucked. He had little self-esteem. For a second I believed that possibly in the womb we were joint at the heart.

My father talked to him about his life and what he wanted to do during dinner, and they kept talking. My brother became interested in his achievements and expressed his wish to gain more knowledge under my dads wing about being a diplomat. My father offered him to stay with us. One thing lead to another, and not long after he decided to go to an Indonesian university to study the language, and do a degree in international relations. My father was beyond thrilled. 'Finally, someone to pass my dreams on.. and go fishing with.'

He claims to want to make up for lost time and get to know my sisters and relatives more. And if I could quote he actually said something along the lines; "getting back to my roots". He now lives in our house and goes to Universitas Indonesia doing a masters degree. He even wanted to change his nationality for the sake of it. I don't understand how you could possibly be a representative of Indonesia to other countries when you are barely raised as one, but I don't care.

How easy can this be? The burden for myself and my sister to live up to my parents expectations and make them happy is completely uplifted. Someone's doing that for us. I'm thrilled. Though some part of me hated him for being the one to make my parents happy. But what I hated most is that this story just wouldn't come true.

help the melting man

A young man melting into a puddle of himself is something you don’t see everyday, much less in a busy public square. Yet this humourous but surprisingly effective spectacle is the latest effort by the Red Cross of Argentina to raise awareness about climate change.

read.

don't we all

i wish i was closer than anything with my mom
i wish i could walk hand in hand with my dad

i want to be accepted
i want to be cherished
i want to be understood

i want to love someone and
stay in that boat
for years
the kind of boat that
doesn't bring me down
and sail away

but is it possible?

i want love thats kind
and keeps me strong
protects me like a bubble against the world
and fills my stomach warmer
than buttermilk waffles,
warmer than knitted leg warmers.
the different kind
the rainbow patterned kind

the kind that makes you smile
in your sleep
and makes you feel at home
i want to make someone smile
in their sleep

I want a love
to miss when walking in the crowd
because sometimes
its just unbearable

and it'll tell me its okay
and that we're okay
and its okay,
to be just okay.

I want to be found.

but, is it possible?

besok

one-sided monologue days

A : wow! you're a good drawer
B : drawer?
A: I meant to say, you're good at drawing.
B: Oh. Well thank you.
A: But you'd make a good drawer as well.

life and loss, one song at a time

Love is a mix tape is a groundly compelling memoir about love. In its simplest form the love for a person and life (which for this man is Music). The writer has an interesting hobby of making and collecting mix tapes as a form of diary or soundtrack to score each event, each stages of his life since he's been introduced to music. Every occasion, be it regrets, parties, breakups even mundane tasks like washing the dishes and walking the dog etc. But particularly the mix tapes he created while sharing his life with his late wife. The story falls in his journey before he met her ( an awkward self-proclaimed music geek), when he met her (she is bold, and way cooler, but music junkie nonetheless - hence soulmate), and their journey as they got married onwards . Whats interesting was they were both highly intellectual people that were also very fun. They created mix tapes of songs they both love for almost every single occasion in their life together. Each page is provokingly witty, charming and heartbreaking. It made me literally cry and laugh at each turn of the page. The writer, and narrator is a journalist for the rolling stones, which would explain all his extensive knowledge for music. But what I find special about his storytelling is his gift with words to truly make you laugh. Also his description of his feelings for his wife, before and even after he lost her, is expressed on a certain level that conveys such profound romanticism that doesn't sound sappy at all. But deep. Romanticly deep. Yet he is able to suggest hope through his pain- without making you feel like your dragged into this depressing love story you'd regret spending your money and 2 hours in the cinema for. The way the notebook would affect you (which I truly believe, is one of those movies best used in a soviet union military to torture someone into telling the truth. How : Strap them on a metal chair with chains attached on the arm, tape the mouth and eyelids up, and make them watch the movie on a projector. . voi'la.. watch them cringe in pain at how the characters died together in the movie. Then wait till the victim try to unleash themselves and cry out what they really did last Christmas. Now I'm just bitter. Bitter to the bones).

He makes you feel like, Man. What have I been doing? I wish I had that...at some point in my life.

The content of this book truly does make you feel like, everything else you've worked your whole life to is nothing as valuable as what he feels for his wife. I'm not exaggerating. You may not find alot of people actually being this loving and romantic in a marriage. And who wouldn't want that! Not that I want someone to make me mix tapes or a write a book for me. Oh no, I'm not that demanding. Well, it would be nice, but it lies on these random thoughts about her, these gestures they make for each other, in every single word that expresses how he loved and understood everything about that woman. It makes you nostalgic, and makes you dream. Who wouldn't want that kind of understanding for someone and that discovery together? Discovering you'll never grow tired, always feeling like all the time in the world is never enough. And the giant stab at the closure of the book that finds how I, am a complete tragic. Possibly even worse.

revolt

The water hitting me from the shower felt heavy as it trickled slowly down my body this morning. It is around 4 am. The shower ran under cold water yet I don't feel cold. It felt rather cathartic. It left me feeling light. Or perhaps my growing skepticism and disgust about the world I live in has left me immune to physically feel the cold. I haven't slept. I haven't traveled anywhere beyond my own apartment the entire day. But I needed to take a shower. I needed to feel clean.

glued to the screen

I HATE KEEPING UP WITH THE WORLD.

:)

"a micrometer from here" (eng sub) from amit zakai on Vimeo.

the wind - www.hellohikimori.com

Le Vent - Publicité
by Molly56

olympics opening ceremony

there's no such thing as a free meal

If ever you happen to be walking in a tall large corporate building, what comes across your mind seeing people in sharp suites rushing with big steps, looking straight overhead and leaving nothing but a distinct scent of branded perfume... the smell of success perhaps?
My immediate thought is, I would never want to be anything like them.

As I changed into a fake officer outfit for a school movie project today, I came to this very thought of how much I would resent myself if everyday I would have to come to work in a uniform alike. Then I remembered a conversation made by this guy at school about the reason why people work so hard to climb to the top of the corporate ladder. And once you're there, what happens next?
It made me think. I personally don't understand about people that are power crazy. Which is why whenever I get the chance to meet someone of authority in any field, without trying to pry, I actually ask what motivated these people to want to get there. I'm endlessly curious about what took place as the defining point in that persons life to want to persevere to the top of the world? Personal vendetta? A better life? Challenge?

There was a time I used to look at the creative field and business field as two completely opposing worlds. Like I was looking into a large aquarium glass with people in suites talking a language I don't care to understand. Little did I know I was going to be apart of both worlds. An obvious example of this irony was when one day I went to a particular bank - which happened to be regarded as a big international corporation - my 'radar' could still detect two graphic designers smoking below that gigantic building. Apparently they were working there. I still have a bit of animosity towards the objective of commercial art and that are creating it more and more into a business. But I know like they would know that unless you are unbelievably brilliant and willing to strive be idealistic at all costs- you are going to live on the street. Proving that our society and as human beings cannot function without benefiting from each other. After all, as much as a corporation benefits oneself, it does impact greatly in sustaining economic growth at large. It's like a food chain.

Which is why I believe it is impossible to completely turn your back and resent people who decide to be a part of the so called system- if you simply look at it them trying gain power and money. This system wouldn't exist without reason. And they chose that path. And as communities we do need certain leaders, we do need people who are willing to take risking that privilege to a better direction. Because if they're not the ones doing it, who will?

all i need is a pair of mom jeans

Menu yang bisa gue bikin sekarang:
* Semur Daging with kentang
* Sate panggang ( haha.. ga punya grill )
* Sup Sayur
* Bayam & jagung kuah bening
* Gado-gado..
* Fillet ikan
* Tumis Daging with paprika & soy sauce
* Perkedel kentang
* Perkedel Jagung
* acar
* Tumis buncis & jamur
* fettucini with cream
* nasi goreng 
memang kurang presentatif baik dalam bentuk dan ..rasa haha
tapi bolehlah mak, bangga sama anakmu ini...