ode to my will power

don't run,
don't run from me
not now.

Now that I've slowly started to resurface.

Come back to my roots.

Come back closer to home.

Now that I have you at the tip of my fingers

Now that I can feel your warmth.

Now that I am holding strong to that desire

Now that I finally have the courage

to sink

further deeper

deeper

into an oblivion

of orange

and red

Now that I'm ready

stay with me.

make me feel

don't run from me.

some packaging and advertising i like

I am always amazed at the extremity Thailands advertising would go to. Its amazing how much they invest and take risks for good ideas. This is a launch of a colgate product I found in siam. It is small room with igloo's that during entrance you would actually feel the coolness and the smell of fresh mint in the air! hhhmmm. i was almost tempted haha.

reasons to men bash

1. no effort
2. no effort
3. no effort

4. personally for me, approaching someone i barely know is important at the same time out of my character, so! if it has gone this far from a normal friendship, and i have already opened the door for you and you still don't have the guts to get to know me inside out then what are you doing here? The least you can do is THINK = You have no stance with me, COWARD!

5. coward-ness. you serious? you call yourself.. a man?

6. indecisiveness - if you do, then prove it. Make up your mind. Because there is no one, dumb enough, esp I, that will want stay waiting forever.

7. Sok tau. Arrogance. Men that demean women.
Talking big about themselves and their achievements, like their tools, whatever it is, their know how as if it forms their entire identity, or as if they are trying to compensate for what they do not really have, and actually cannot provide. In reality, what do you really have? would you be single otherwise!

8. alpha male - whut u tryin to prove that ur a jagoaaaan ye? esp the james bond on steroids type.

9. liaaaaaaaaars. all the way. every way.

10. pemales.

11. inability to commit. In anything. (work, religion, family values...c'mon man ur big enough too learn how to stop running away.)

12. inability to commit.

13. Childish, immature a.k.a men that don't act their age. Or is too vain too realize it.

14. STUPIDITY.

i'm like a bird

Hari ini diadakan bazar diplomatik - internasional yang tiap tahun di selenggarakan oleh palang merah , : diplomatic red cross bazaar. Bazaar yang dipenuhi oleh tiap negara untuk mempromosikan budaya masing2, menjual produk2 khas negara masing2 yang hasilnya kemudian di sumbangkan kepada Palang Merah Thailand.

Adek gue dan temen2 diminta memakai kebaya dan menerima Putri Thailand, yang membuka acara ini, dan membantu menjaga stand indonesia seharian penuh. Secara gue baru tahu ada acara ini sampe kemaren, gue ga ikut menjaga stand, yang katanya mesti siap dari jam 4 pagi. Lagian gue juga ahem sibuk,(pdhl sih ga ada minta jadi partisipan..haha). Dulu tiap tahunnya ibu2 dharma wanita termasuk my mom yang biasa nya sibuk mengkoordinasi stand yang diisi dengan baju2 batik, kain, makanan khas indonesia, di jual seharian penuh. Gue hampir lupa dengan acara ini dan sebenarnya gue juga heran kenapa kita di minta, lah wong kita udah bukan bagian kbri lagi hehe.

Gue dateng lumayan telat, haha, sekitar jam 4 sore dimana hampir semua stand udah mau tutup. Gue pikir udah ga ada gunanya juga bayar masuk, eh ternyata just in time gue hadir ada acara nari di panggung yg ternyata di buat oleh anak2 smp-sma SIB. Mereka menarikan tarian Saman dari Aceh yang penuh koordinasi tangan yang rumit. Seperti biasa, kita sukses menggaet ricuh penonton termasuk gue yg , selalu siap tepuk tangan dan teriak2 dgn noraknya (heh, super kampungan..) tiap kali nonton tarian tersebut. Hehe.. well i can't help it. Bangga bgt gue, Good job guys!

Kemudian gue ke stand Indonesia. Gue kaget ada demonstrasi membatik kain oleh pembatik professional. Spontan gue ngerenggek minta nyoba hehe, secara dari dulu gue pengen banget belajar. Karena pemula, gue di kasih kayu berbentuk burung dan di ajarkan prosesnya. Bahan serupa tinta yang di gunakan untuk membuat pattern batik itu ternyata lilin yang di lelehkan. ("Ooohh..") Kemudian kayu yang mirip pipa rokok untuk membatik itu di celupkan ke dalem lilin cair yang masih di rebus tersebut. Cairan lilinnya masuk dari atas lobang kayu itu. Ini yang membuat membatik itu sebuah kreativitas yang membutuhkan kesabaran dan ketelatenan yg tinggi. Hehe. Karena selain harus sempurna menggikuti garis lukisan ternyata ada cara khusus untuk memegang kayu itu biar cairan lilinnya ga tumpah dari lobang tadi, karena selain panas banget bakal bleberan kemana2. Gitu lhoooooo. Hebatnya cairan lilin tsbt akan langsung kering di atas kayu/ kain dlm sekejap. Selesei, burung gue (huuss) di celupkan ke dalam lilin berwarna merah untuk diwarnai. Berapa menit kemudian warna tinta coklat yang gue lukis tadi hilang tapi membentuk garisan lukisannya. Seperti ini:

Hehe. Okay its not much, tapi kereeen kaaan. Dan the lady yang nyuruh gue nulis nama gue. Ga mungkin kan gue se narsis itu. :))

Gue jalan2 keliling stand2 lain. Amerika, Jerman, Italy. Gue peratiin yang mereka jual, wine, keju, sosis frankfurt hehe. Dan huuuu mana ada sih yang kayak gini. Yang mereka jual bukan komoditas. Bukan budaya. Gue cintaaaa banget sama budaya tradisional gue yang lengkap dan pure. Lantas, kenapa gue bimbang untuk pulang??

Bukan kondisi jakarta yang gue pedulikan. Bukan macetnya yang sebenarnya memang bikin gue teriak2 gila di mobil. Gue pernah sekolah disana dan udah gue terimalah. Yang jadi pikiran dari karir gue, lifestyle orang2 jakarta yang sombongnya setinggi langit en kosmopolitan yang secara otomatis bikin hedonistik. Sorry, Not everyone is. Tapi penggalaman kuliah gue disana bikin gue berpikir picik. Bikin gue merasa tidak diterima. Seolah2 gue persona non grata di negeri sendiri. Malah gue lebih seneng berkunjung ke daerah di luar jakarta. Kyk jogja, bandung, kmrn2..bengkulu. No malls, no mall rat, no annoying mas2 tengil, no bitchy anak jakarta yang kerjanya gaya and gosip doang. Jujur, selama gue hidup dan selama gue Alhamdullilah dikasih kesempatan tinggal dinegeri2 orang, baru kali inilah di Bangkok ini gue bener2 belajar. Bukan dari sisi akedemis, melainkan dari beragamnya orang2 yang gue temui di kota ini. Disinilah gue mendapati perpekstif lain tentang Indonesia, tentang hidup, tentang agama, tentang karir, beragamnya pola pikir orang. Baik dibidang gue yang kreatif, orang2 Indonesia yang mengejar cita2 dgn menunjang pendidikannya, perspektif orang2 asing, orang2 lokal..orang2 yg dari kalangan atas, tengah.. yg hidup disini cmn untuk berfoya2.. sampai dengan orang2 dengan pengalaman hidup yang benar2 luar biasa, yang selama ini gue percayai cuman eksis di film2 atau novel. Dan hal yang paling gue pelajari di tempat ini, bahwa sgt memungkinkan di dunia ini adanya orang2 yang akan menerima gue, yg jujur tanpa pamrih, justru gue dapati disini.

Ah kok gue jadi takut. Padahal orang tua gue kerja untuk pemerintah dan ga pernah menyuruh kita membenci negara sendiri. Gue dan kakak2 adek gue di suruh nari, nanyilah etc di tiap acara kbri untuk appreciate nilai seni yg kita punya. Kita di sekolahkan di sekolah lokal untuk belajar bahasa indonesia. Kita di suruh belajar di luar untuk alasan menggunakan ilmu itu dan merubah situasi negara gue semampu kita. Bukannya biar melarikan diri di negeri orang kayak buronan. Hehe.. Pdhl appresiasi untuk film indonesia gue lumayan tinggi.. terkecuali film blo'on yang ga bermakna and/or penuh porno yang bikin stress nontonnya. Tapi kenapa gue takut pindah ke negara sendiri. Aye bimbang... waktu gue ga banyak. Identitas gue, rumah gue dimana ye..

So you're there.

Sudden, fleeting

Standing

between smiles and motion

but you're not smiling for me

Aku pernah baca sebuah kalimat: 

Aku merasa paling dekat dengan keabadian saat memikirkan dirimu.
Apa yang akan terbersit dipikiranmu bila mendengar kata-kata ini?

Banyak yang kurenungkan. Dari sebuah kalimat pendek ini spontan aku memikirkan tentang cinta. Klise memang. Walaupun terlihat konyol dan mudah emosi, I've always remained an impossible romantic. Dan itu yang takkan berubah. Tapi kadang, cinta dalam arti luas. Yang aku pikirkan bukan hanya perasaan cinta terhadap satu individu, tapi juga perasaan sayangku kepada orang-orang terdekat yang selalu kurindukan hadirnya. Kemudian agamaku. Tuhanku. Hal ini membuatku bertanya kenapa orang-orang yang kusayang hadir lebih dulu di benakku, baru kemudian Tuhan? Dan kenapa perasaan itu tak bisa sama besarnya untuk agamaku sendiri?

Akhir-akhir ini ada banyak hal yang membuatku ingin mendekat kepada-Nya. Dua kali hilangnya kartu atm, hilangnya dompet adik (yang Alhamdullilah dikembalikan), Bulan ramadhan yang mendekat, tambahnya umurku bulan depan, dan terutama hari-hari yang tak ubahnya kulalui dengan perasaan hampa. Aku memang manusia picik. Diterpa cobaan sedikit saja baru usaha puasa sunah dan sholat tanpa bolong-bolong secara konsisten. Tetapi terlebih-lebih karena ada satu hal yang sedang mengusik pikiranku.
Hari ini pulang dari kelas aku berjalan kaki dari nana sampai rumah di petchburi. Itu yang aku paling suka disini- tersedianya tempat berjalan kaki karena aku suka jalan kaki sendirian. Dan aku suka jalan kaki untuk melihat pemandangan menarik, atau tempat-tempat unik, dan juga untuk berpikir. Tiap hentakan kaki rasanya kurang afdol jika aku tidak mulai mempertanyaan tentang arti keberadaanku selama tinggal di Bangkok ini. Emang dasar sakit jiwa...Lalu entah dari mana, kalimat itu menghantam pikiranku. Hatiku terasa teriris sesuatu yang tajam. Dan bagaimanapun aku mencoba mengabaikannya hal yang pertama muncul dibenak adalah perasaanku saat ini kepada salah seorang sahabatku.
Baru kali ini selama lebih dari 7 tahun persahabatan kita, aku bertengkar dengannya hingga memakinya. Timbul rasa benci dari egoku yang kuakui sebesar gunung timbuktu, mungkin. Dia, salah seorang yang seharusnya paling memahamiku -  telah mencemooh hal yang paling sensitif tentang situasiku saat ini. Rasanya, kok ya sakit hati ya. Kenapa orang yang paling kupercaya bisa setega itu. Rasanya secara impulsif ingin kuhilangkan dia dari hidupku, walaupun aku tahu betul itu sama sekali tidak mungkin. Hubungan kita memang sedari dulu rumit, tapi dalam. Aku sayang dia seperti keluarga. Aku sama sekali tak ingin kehilangannya. Hubungan yang disertai perasaan yang dulu kusandangkan dengan arti keabadian tadi. Tapi sekarang? Betapa anehnya perasaan manusia yang bisa bertahan bertahun-tahun tapi berubah setika dalam hitungan detik.

Aku ga bisa memaafkannya- sampai dia minta maaf. Bak ratu yang menuntut rakyatnya tunduk. Apakah aku masih bisa di bilang manusiawi ya? Hatiku keras. Kenapa rasa tinggi hati ini ga mau hilang? Kenapa aku ga pernah bisa belajar berlapang dada?Forgive my arrogance. God, forgive me. Make me learn to change..

cash & clocks, writers blocks, hedgehogs

Ellie Parker: I remember when the future was a promise; now it's like a threat.


Today I submitted my half assed script. I made it hastily. I made it with my brain half asleep.
Today you talked. I listened. But you don't understand. And I need to understand. How am I supposed to learn, man.
Today I ate McDonald's sitting from above. I watched people walking with fancy clothes, working class clothes, and/or minimum clothes.
Today I noticed the status-quo. High maintained. Stacy-Q's.
Today I witnessed a time bomb.
Today I felt life creeping.
Today I saw my future.

i'm in awe

Sun been down for days
A winter melody she plays
The thunder makes her contemplate
She hears a noise behind the gate
Perhaps a letter with a dove
Perhaps a stranger she could love

bad black moon

the undertones & Billy Joel

borderline

One very late evening in Bangkok, I was lying in my room eavesdropping at my parents that were discussing my future from the living room. Suddenly the phone rang. My dad picked up. Minutes later I hear a very loud; "HAH?????"

Afterwards all I heard was silence. Followed by their voices exchanging a slight argument, but this time they're words were unclear. I hear silence again. Suddenly my dad barges in my room where my sister is sound asleep and myself pretending to be. He lit the room and I felt him stand there for some time before deciding to wake me up abruptly.

"Noy..noyo..bangun"
"Hah... apaan...", I pretend to wake up with a drowsy look on my face.

I looked at him sitting at the end of my bed with a face that was hard to describe. He looked serious but I could've sworn I noticed a faint smile in his eyes. He seemed defeated but somewhat glad. My mom is standing at the door.

"Kamu punya kembar, Noy..."

---

It turns out I have a twin brother only shy of 3 minutes after I was born in Sofia, Bulgaria. The truth was my mother always thought she yearned for a boy but didn't know she was expecting one, and later didn't know what to expect after surprisingly giving birth to one. Every sonogram pointed to a girl and he just assumed she was carrying a fat baby girl. Or maybe I was covering him up. Right then and there after that particular delivery she was mortified. As the doctor held him in his hands to show her it was a boy, this terrible vision of him growing up to be a cross dresser entered her mind. She only prepared herself for a girl. Another girl. She didn't know if she was capable of raising a boy with three other girls in the house, without him growing up to be non-straight. In horror she made a hasty decision with the hospital to put him up for adoption. What could've been a less lonesome and boring life for us both was taken away right then. And we were separated. I was told that something similar almost happened when she was expecting my little sister. My mom had always been indecisive.

---

I met him for the first time when I turned 20. He visited Bangkok, because I was there. He claims to always wanted to go to Indonesia. He is taller than me, maybe around 6 ft. His skin slightly darker. He wore glasses. He had very short hair that was a lighter shade of black. His face.. besides not owning my trademark full lips, did bare some resemblance to me. It was hard to swallow.

It was hard to conceive that this boy could abruptly come from nowhere and easily claim to be who he was, or accept that my mom gave him away that easily. Why now? and how did he find us? Aren't you angry? Does my mom feel guilt or regret? How can she live carrying this secret for 20 years? I alone assumed the reaction I witness in soap opera's, but to my disbelief him and my mom, and the rest of the family accepted everything like we were welcoming a normal guest. He stayed with us for a month. He doesn't speak a word of Indonesian. He wasn't more talkative then I am. So I did all the interrogating. He was even tempered. He was quiet but calm. Emotionally collected than I was. That annoyed me. He loved physics. He was computer literate, and good at sports. That annoyed me even more. If he was my left side of the brain, we would've made a whole person.

He was raised by a high school math teacher and a piano teacher but other than being able to play the harmonica, he ownes no artistic ability what so ever. But like me he loved to travel. He told me he had strong humanitarian pursuits, and that one of his lifelong goal is to work or even build his own non-profit organization that emphasizes on conserving energy resources in developing countries. It was the only time he started to actually talk. In fact he he started moving to other worldly topics and yapped non stop about all this global economic jargon and seeing rural places in the world. God, is he boring. One thing we had in common was that our love life sucked. He had little self-esteem. For a second I believed that possibly in the womb we were joint at the heart.

My father talked to him about his life and what he wanted to do during dinner, and they kept talking. My brother became interested in his achievements and expressed his wish to gain more knowledge under my dads wing about being a diplomat. My father offered him to stay with us. One thing lead to another, and not long after he decided to go to an Indonesian university to study the language, and do a degree in international relations. My father was beyond thrilled. 'Finally, someone to pass my dreams on.. and go fishing with.'

He claims to want to make up for lost time and get to know my sisters and relatives more. And if I could quote he actually said something along the lines; "getting back to my roots". He now lives in our house and goes to Universitas Indonesia doing a masters degree. He even wanted to change his nationality for the sake of it. I don't understand how you could possibly be a representative of Indonesia to other countries when you are barely raised as one, but I don't care.

How easy can this be? The burden for myself and my sister to live up to my parents expectations and make them happy is completely uplifted. Someone's doing that for us. I'm thrilled. Though some part of me hated him for being the one to make my parents happy. But what I hated most is that this story just wouldn't come true.

help the melting man

A young man melting into a puddle of himself is something you don’t see everyday, much less in a busy public square. Yet this humourous but surprisingly effective spectacle is the latest effort by the Red Cross of Argentina to raise awareness about climate change.

read.

don't we all

i wish i was closer than anything with my mom
i wish i could walk hand in hand with my dad

i want to be accepted
i want to be cherished
i want to be understood

i want to love someone and
stay in that boat
for years
the kind of boat that
doesn't bring me down
and sail away

but is it possible?

i want love thats kind
and keeps me strong
protects me like a bubble against the world
and fills my stomach warmer
than buttermilk waffles,
warmer than knitted leg warmers.
the different kind
the rainbow patterned kind

the kind that makes you smile
in your sleep
and makes you feel at home
i want to make someone smile
in their sleep

I want a love
to miss when walking in the crowd
because sometimes
its just unbearable

and it'll tell me its okay
and that we're okay
and its okay,
to be just okay.

I want to be found.

but, is it possible?

besok

one-sided monologue days

A : wow! you're a good drawer
B : drawer?
A: I meant to say, you're good at drawing.
B: Oh. Well thank you.
A: But you'd make a good drawer as well.

life and loss, one song at a time

Love is a mix tape is a groundly compelling memoir about love. In its simplest form the love for a person and life (which for this man is Music). The writer has an interesting hobby of making and collecting mix tapes as a form of diary or soundtrack to score each event, each stages of his life since he's been introduced to music. Every occasion, be it regrets, parties, breakups even mundane tasks like washing the dishes and walking the dog etc. But particularly the mix tapes he created while sharing his life with his late wife. The story falls in his journey before he met her ( an awkward self-proclaimed music geek), when he met her (she is bold, and way cooler, but music junkie nonetheless - hence soulmate), and their journey as they got married onwards . Whats interesting was they were both highly intellectual people that were also very fun. They created mix tapes of songs they both love for almost every single occasion in their life together. Each page is provokingly witty, charming and heartbreaking. It made me literally cry and laugh at each turn of the page. The writer, and narrator is a journalist for the rolling stones, which would explain all his extensive knowledge for music. But what I find special about his storytelling is his gift with words to truly make you laugh. Also his description of his feelings for his wife, before and even after he lost her, is expressed on a certain level that conveys such profound romanticism that doesn't sound sappy at all. But deep. Romanticly deep. Yet he is able to suggest hope through his pain- without making you feel like your dragged into this depressing love story you'd regret spending your money and 2 hours in the cinema for. The way the notebook would affect you (which I truly believe, is one of those movies best used in a soviet union military to torture someone into telling the truth. How : Strap them on a metal chair with chains attached on the arm, tape the mouth and eyelids up, and make them watch the movie on a projector. . voi'la.. watch them cringe in pain at how the characters died together in the movie. Then wait till the victim try to unleash themselves and cry out what they really did last Christmas. Now I'm just bitter. Bitter to the bones).

He makes you feel like, Man. What have I been doing? I wish I had that...at some point in my life.

The content of this book truly does make you feel like, everything else you've worked your whole life to is nothing as valuable as what he feels for his wife. I'm not exaggerating. You may not find alot of people actually being this loving and romantic in a marriage. And who wouldn't want that! Not that I want someone to make me mix tapes or a write a book for me. Oh no, I'm not that demanding. Well, it would be nice, but it lies on these random thoughts about her, these gestures they make for each other, in every single word that expresses how he loved and understood everything about that woman. It makes you nostalgic, and makes you dream. Who wouldn't want that kind of understanding for someone and that discovery together? Discovering you'll never grow tired, always feeling like all the time in the world is never enough. And the giant stab at the closure of the book that finds how I, am a complete tragic. Possibly even worse.

revolt

The water hitting me from the shower felt heavy as it trickled slowly down my body this morning. It is around 4 am. The shower ran under cold water yet I don't feel cold. It felt rather cathartic. It left me feeling light. Or perhaps my growing skepticism and disgust about the world I live in has left me immune to physically feel the cold. I haven't slept. I haven't traveled anywhere beyond my own apartment the entire day. But I needed to take a shower. I needed to feel clean.

glued to the screen

I HATE KEEPING UP WITH THE WORLD.

:)

"a micrometer from here" (eng sub) from amit zakai on Vimeo.

the wind - www.hellohikimori.com

Le Vent - Publicité
by Molly56

olympics opening ceremony

there's no such thing as a free meal

If ever you happen to be walking in a tall large corporate building, what comes across your mind seeing people in sharp suites rushing with big steps, looking straight overhead and leaving nothing but a distinct scent of branded perfume... the smell of success perhaps?
My immediate thought is, I would never want to be anything like them.

As I changed into a fake officer outfit for a school movie project today, I came to this very thought of how much I would resent myself if everyday I would have to come to work in a uniform alike. Then I remembered a conversation made by this guy at school about the reason why people work so hard to climb to the top of the corporate ladder. And once you're there, what happens next?
It made me think. I personally don't understand about people that are power crazy. Which is why whenever I get the chance to meet someone of authority in any field, without trying to pry, I actually ask what motivated these people to want to get there. I'm endlessly curious about what took place as the defining point in that persons life to want to persevere to the top of the world? Personal vendetta? A better life? Challenge?

There was a time I used to look at the creative field and business field as two completely opposing worlds. Like I was looking into a large aquarium glass with people in suites talking a language I don't care to understand. Little did I know I was going to be apart of both worlds. An obvious example of this irony was when one day I went to a particular bank - which happened to be regarded as a big international corporation - my 'radar' could still detect two graphic designers smoking below that gigantic building. Apparently they were working there. I still have a bit of animosity towards the objective of commercial art and that are creating it more and more into a business. But I know like they would know that unless you are unbelievably brilliant and willing to strive be idealistic at all costs- you are going to live on the street. Proving that our society and as human beings cannot function without benefiting from each other. After all, as much as a corporation benefits oneself, it does impact greatly in sustaining economic growth at large. It's like a food chain.

Which is why I believe it is impossible to completely turn your back and resent people who decide to be a part of the so called system- if you simply look at it them trying gain power and money. This system wouldn't exist without reason. And they chose that path. And as communities we do need certain leaders, we do need people who are willing to take risking that privilege to a better direction. Because if they're not the ones doing it, who will?

all i need is a pair of mom jeans

Menu yang bisa gue bikin sekarang:
* Semur Daging with kentang
* Sate panggang ( haha.. ga punya grill )
* Sup Sayur
* Bayam & jagung kuah bening
* Gado-gado..
* Fillet ikan
* Tumis Daging with paprika & soy sauce
* Perkedel kentang
* Perkedel Jagung
* acar
* Tumis buncis & jamur
* fettucini with cream
* nasi goreng 
memang kurang presentatif baik dalam bentuk dan ..rasa haha
tapi bolehlah mak, bangga sama anakmu ini...

mj's moonwalker game

Whatever the reason is for making a game of a fallen superstar still shows the magnitude of his existence.. in spite all the creepy allegations that is.. hee hee. Founded here

house of cards - Radiohead

denial isn't just a river in egypt

my best friends are getting married!?


is it just me? Or did someone tilt the structure of the solar system??

Testing-testing 123

www.flickr.com/photos/raishanurul

badass gorilla

"For years most people didn't know I wasn't yellow. Du Ke Fung means `like the wind'. It's an extremely poetic name, as opposed to this piece of shit sitting before you. So this person called Du Ke Fung with no past or parents or ID card makes the films and at night he turns back into this drunkard called Chris Doyle."

I found out he worked a lot with filmmaker Wongkarwai. I'm a little too behind.

His work:
www.chrisdoylestudio.com

i want to believe it too

God knows I've always been such a klutz. Yesterday afternoon I took money from the atm near 7/11, and rushingly, I took my money and forgot to pull out the atm card. Ofcourse, I didn't realize that. I took the bus, went to school to do some editing till late, after wards went to central till around 9 or 10 pm. Still not realizing anything wrong. Then there was a bazaar in front of the place, and it was just as i was thinking about buying new wallet did I realize my atm card was missing. I canceled buying, and called the bank to shut my account. When noone picked up I frantically started scanning the crowded ground like a total idiot..even though I already lost hope, and assumed somebody would have stole it by now I decided to go back to the atm booth where i first retrieved money that afternoon, anyway.
To my disbelief my atm card was STILL THERE!!!

adaptation

John Laroche: You know why I like plants?
Susan Orlean: Nuh uh.
John Laroche: Because they're so mutable. Adaptation is a profound process. Means you figure out how to thrive in the world.
Susan Orlean: [pause]
Yeah but it's easier for plants. I mean they have no memory. They just move on to whatever's next. With a person though, adapting is almost shameful. It's like running away.

B and I

B! says:
u start a relationship and then u fall in love
B! says:
not the other way around
rosanna says:
man why is it so complicated.. i never thought like this when i was little lol i used to believe theres one person for everyone and thats it
rosanna says:
but it turns out to be as hard as those coin games you know where you can never actually pick up the toy in side
rosanna says:
what is that thing called
rosanna says:
with the mechanical arm
B! says:
haha
B! says:
yeah i know wat u mean
B! says:
and its sucks when ur mechanical arm pics somthing u lik..but then u run out of time before u can get it into the exit slot
B! says:
haha
rosanna says:
exactly
rosanna says:
u end up wasting coins
rosanna says:
its a lie
B! says:
and sometimes u see two u like..and one u like more and end up with the one u got out....and then its like dammit
B! says:
haha

elephant girl?

Taking a break from apartment hunting on the internet, I looked for The Elephant Man on youtube last night, and stayed up till morning watching clips of the movie. Afterwards I just sat, perfectly still in front of my computer for a good 10 minutes with a million questions running through my head. I can't help thinking how tragic this story is.

It reminded me alot of this film called Mask, (not The Mask tough) this movie back in the 80s starring Cher, about this single mother trying to protect and raise her psychically deformed son as a normal kid. This boy, born with a disease that caused him to have an abnormally large head and a very misshaped face structure which looked like he was wearing a mask for trick or treating, or something, hence the title of the movie. But as the movie reveals itself you'd understand the title doesn't solely suggest the kid's physicality but it's also about the mother, and what she's struggling hard to hide from the world and her own son.

I had a discussion with my best friend, if we happen to meet someone like the elephant man, or say someone with a disease or you know they are dying, would you make a conscious effort to be nice to them? as opposed to meeting a person on a regular basis?

I know the first thing I would feel is sympathy. And even though I try to be nice to everyone I meet, I would inevitably be extra nice to that person - out of feeling fear, or feeling sorry- and I don't know if that's a good thing.

I asked her if gender would have anything to do with it. Like most movies I loved about the neglected, I always noticed these lone wolves happen to be male. It made me wonder if they were female, would the story be any different? And is it easier to sympathize for men with that situation then it is with a woman with that condition? If so, why? why is our society condemned with this sad view? and am I supposed to be angry at people's personal choices and tendencies?

I'm not trying to unearth an ugly betty situation here, and I don't know if its a bit post-feminist, but I am very curious and it's very fascinating to me. I think it's a subject matter I want to keep digging in and create into..

why do i have to desire so many things?

I wish I was some average girl who worked at a logistics company from 9 to 5. Or something.

I want to unscrew my head and put out the smoke in a fridge.

go speed racer go!

I went looking for this since they're releasing an American movie version of the series. By no means am I anticipating on watching the movie, I mean, look at the trailer!

But how damn brutal was that for a cartoon!
As a kid the only thing i noticed was
a). how ridiculously fast and annoying the dialogues were,
b). too fast i didn't understand a word of the storyline and
c). I like the monkey.
Next thing you know speed racer kicks every bad guy there is blocking his way and shoots himself to the finishing line of the race every single ending of the show. As to how he succeeds every time, truly a mystery beckoned to leave you in shock and awe.

What i did understood are the giant mouths hung open in mid-air when they are in shock. I mean its a fantastic expression. It's this giant `O`, it reminds you of those faces in a carnival game where the objective is to throw in a ball through the mouth. It happens repeatedly in the episodes even over the most irrelevant things. Or how they run in only two movements every 3 frames or something. But its an 70's anime, so its forgivable.

But how is it i didn't notice this guy brushes off other cars on the road and lets them blow up into Nagasaki bomb with ease and no guilt at all?! unbelievable! Hey dude, how about teaching children to win honestly huh?!
Come to think of it most of my favorite childhood cartoons are extremely violent. Tom and jerry for instance! goodness. That cartoon is non-stop violent.
I was thinking of showing my niece my favorite cartoons but now that I've been noticing how ridiculously heartless the stuff on tv are right now, I'm having second thoughts.

I'm scared...

This is just to say

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

William Carlos Williams

erotica/you thrill me

you are who your are
and I
wouldn't want to change a thing
in spite of
all the pain that love can bring
so tell me
What can I do?

You thrill me,
surround me
You fill me
You send me,
You put me in a trance

Madonna

freaking geniouses.

oh no she didn't!

nano nano nano (rame rasanya..)

(super cool stuff and at the same time boring as hell)

When she's upset, especially at night, she doesn't just scream. She shrieks!
She shrieks this super high-pitched ultrasonic sound that I'm guessing only dogs and aliens can decode the meaning. Her entire body turns red, then a vein pops on her head. Then tears roll down. It suddenly makes you feel deep empathy. You're hopeless and it makes you sad. It's heartbreaking.

Then you play peek-a-boo with her, smile at her, kiss her stomach!
First she'll give you this half-smile, which is half her lip dragged up like she's making fun of you, then it stretches an inch, then she'll laugh without a sound, then you keep doing it and you'd find her laughing so loud sometimes her head rolls back! She breaks into this distinctive laughter I can't describe! It's a cheerful giggly rhythm that lights up the entire room and you find not only yourself, but everyone in the house laughing along.

You cradle her and sing to her till 3 am and she doesn't fall asleep, but stares at you with this confused serious glare. But when she finally does, you feel triumphant. Like you've conquered the greatest challenging reality TV race mankind had ever created.
Then you want to look at her forever.

She'd vomit on you, salivate, scratch you, kick and hit you but you don't mind at all. Just as long as she can fall sound asleep and wake up talking and giggling again. You can't wait to find out what she's going to learn in a day, or the kind of person she's going to be in later years. At the same time you don't want her to change at all.









Hey gorgeous,
bu-noy loves you so much!!

then what are we supposed to do?

Q: How does our appearance factor into the equation of falling in love?
A: This is interesting; we have found that if you are very unattractive, it can hurt you a lot in forming romantic relationships. However, being attractive doesn't help that much.


Oh. Great.

read here.

Years and years I've asked him the same question.

Part of me felt this longing to hold him, love him take away his pain and at the same time, questions filled my head. I didn't believe someone could love me, and could he love me? There was resistance. There was conflict. Turmoil. I questioned everything. Everything inside of me was restless.

Obviously both of us were very unprepared. I was a lost person. Ever the little lonely girl that was yearning for some form of stability in her life, and screaming for someone to accept her that way. I felt tired. Tired of always feeling alone in the world. So I searched for him, and I escaped. And I felt happy. Then one night as I lay in bed starring in the darkness of my room, summing up the truth did reality struck me like a jolt of lighting. My heart pumped fast. I got scared of my happiness. I was scared of losing it. And what will I become had I continued? Did I even deserve it ? who am I now to deserve any of this? I don't know my identity. I can't. Then that crazy voice whispered the truth. With it followed an intense ache hitting me from my center to the stomach.

Damn my rational subconscious, I sometimes wish you never existed.

I had to make the decision. At the same time I did not want to throw away what I have fought so hard for. Until I received the only message I would forever resent. I had to gather all my courage. I sat. I thought long. I frantically cried as I tried to write down everything I was about to say. My last sentences once and for all. As if either one was about to leave this earth for the last time. I cried about what I had, and what I'll never have.

All this time. All these years. These hours. My hours. My waiting.

My wasted years.

Could I have been right all along?
I was ready to be brave.
He wasn't. Not for me.

HEY ASSHOLE!!

.....

ultimate procrastinator

I'm comfortable here.

I am in comfort.

comfort
soft
white
clouds
giant
pillows
slow
breeze
bright
blue
skies
silence
warm

like a baby in a cradle..
zen
no
desire
to
move
talk
think
try
endless
horizon
clear
calm
safe.

somebody please slap me in the face

Kembali - Anggun

Lepaskan diriku dari semua duga
Dan biarkan aku terbang ikuti malam dan pagi
Jalan masih jauh yang harus aku tempuh
Dan harus aku coba meraih asa, cita dan cinta

unsure.
uneasy.
unclear.

lost my identity along with my dignity that day on.

maybe i was looking for a sense of normalcy in my life.
the feeling of approval i felt, that someone like him can accept an individual as atypical as me, then maybe the whole world can.

his love runs deep

"selamat ulang tahun Noy.
Dad sore ini ke chiang mai hadiri sidang cirdap (center on integrated rural development asia pacific).
Jaga rumah krn baru besok sore pulang."

Was the content of the text message my dad sent me on my 21st birthday. Which was shocking because usually he doesn't remember birthdays. It was beyond overwhelming. Inspite everything wrong i've done in the past especially this frightening year, i've only just understood how he conveys his feelings and that the only unconditional love you can ever look for and need lies in your own home.

i'm sorry dad for being such a terrible daughter.

i'm incredibly grateful.

frankie and johnny

Johnny: Now, there's a man and a woman. He's a cook. She's a waitress. Now, they meet and they don't connect. Only, she noticed him. He could feel it. And he noticed her. And they both knew it was going to happen. They made love, and for maybe one whole night, they forgot the 10 million things that make people think, I don't love this person, I don't like this person, I don't know this- Instead, it was perfect, and they were perfect. And that's all there was to know about. Only now, she's beginning to forget all that, and pretty soon he's going to forget it too.

huh...

falling in love is like buying a lottery ticket

no matter how much of it you have,
you can never expect to win.

As of 2:50 -ish pm today my eldest sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.

I still can't believe it,

I'm an AUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

retarded 3 year old me

time is unkind

I once read a quote from Donald Trump, “A man who loves his job never labors”.

I wonder why I keep having the desire to dream and try a certain career, but that desire quickly disappears as fast as it comes. I have a particular idea of the woman I aspire to be. But till this point I’m dubious about my true identity and my capability, or whether I would enjoy doing something and find it worthwhile for once. And I know without that missing part, I could never change myself to be that woman.

I am incredibly envious of people that know who they are, what they want to be in this life from an early age and struggle to be that. I think the power of will, and the lengths a person would go to reach one’s dream, is such an incredible gift God embedded in us.

But how do you find that? How do you know, for sure what your destiny is and what you’re meant to be on this earth? I know I’m not the first person to feel lost and desperate for an answer. Looking around me- I see lots of people, attempting to find that particular answer, maybe avoiding it, or desperately trying to fill in a void - in all the wrong places. It calms me a little sometimes to find that there are other people on the same boat. But their lives aren’t mine. And I don't want to be anything like them. I can’t help but feel estranged and abandoned every now again.

I feel like I'm drifted in an ocean. Dark. I'm floating. I'm still.

How and why can I still be floating?

Maybe it’s my destiny to keep searching this way. To keep trying all sorts of things until I find what I’m truly meant to be. Could that be my life? Is life really about searching your purpose? I often think that destiny isn’t as far stretched as it is anything but one’s will. But I feel like I don’t have the courage to truly let go and live a life of constant uncertainty and have no control over my life, or absolutely nothing to sustain me in the future. In the meantime, time doesn't wait.

my vampire name

Your Vampire Name Is...

Lady the Insane

What's Your Vampire Name?