B and I

B! says:
u start a relationship and then u fall in love
B! says:
not the other way around
rosanna says:
man why is it so complicated.. i never thought like this when i was little lol i used to believe theres one person for everyone and thats it
rosanna says:
but it turns out to be as hard as those coin games you know where you can never actually pick up the toy in side
rosanna says:
what is that thing called
rosanna says:
with the mechanical arm
B! says:
haha
B! says:
yeah i know wat u mean
B! says:
and its sucks when ur mechanical arm pics somthing u lik..but then u run out of time before u can get it into the exit slot
B! says:
haha
rosanna says:
exactly
rosanna says:
u end up wasting coins
rosanna says:
its a lie
B! says:
and sometimes u see two u like..and one u like more and end up with the one u got out....and then its like dammit
B! says:
haha

elephant girl?

Taking a break from apartment hunting on the internet, I looked for The Elephant Man on youtube last night, and stayed up till morning watching clips of the movie. Afterwards I just sat, perfectly still in front of my computer for a good 10 minutes with a million questions running through my head. I can't help thinking how tragic this story is.

It reminded me alot of this film called Mask, (not The Mask tough) this movie back in the 80s starring Cher, about this single mother trying to protect and raise her psychically deformed son as a normal kid. This boy, born with a disease that caused him to have an abnormally large head and a very misshaped face structure which looked like he was wearing a mask for trick or treating, or something, hence the title of the movie. But as the movie reveals itself you'd understand the title doesn't solely suggest the kid's physicality but it's also about the mother, and what she's struggling hard to hide from the world and her own son.

I had a discussion with my best friend, if we happen to meet someone like the elephant man, or say someone with a disease or you know they are dying, would you make a conscious effort to be nice to them? as opposed to meeting a person on a regular basis?

I know the first thing I would feel is sympathy. And even though I try to be nice to everyone I meet, I would inevitably be extra nice to that person - out of feeling fear, or feeling sorry- and I don't know if that's a good thing.

I asked her if gender would have anything to do with it. Like most movies I loved about the neglected, I always noticed these lone wolves happen to be male. It made me wonder if they were female, would the story be any different? And is it easier to sympathize for men with that situation then it is with a woman with that condition? If so, why? why is our society condemned with this sad view? and am I supposed to be angry at people's personal choices and tendencies?

I'm not trying to unearth an ugly betty situation here, and I don't know if its a bit post-feminist, but I am very curious and it's very fascinating to me. I think it's a subject matter I want to keep digging in and create into..

why do i have to desire so many things?

I wish I was some average girl who worked at a logistics company from 9 to 5. Or something.

I want to unscrew my head and put out the smoke in a fridge.

go speed racer go!

I went looking for this since they're releasing an American movie version of the series. By no means am I anticipating on watching the movie, I mean, look at the trailer!

But how damn brutal was that for a cartoon!
As a kid the only thing i noticed was
a). how ridiculously fast and annoying the dialogues were,
b). too fast i didn't understand a word of the storyline and
c). I like the monkey.
Next thing you know speed racer kicks every bad guy there is blocking his way and shoots himself to the finishing line of the race every single ending of the show. As to how he succeeds every time, truly a mystery beckoned to leave you in shock and awe.

What i did understood are the giant mouths hung open in mid-air when they are in shock. I mean its a fantastic expression. It's this giant `O`, it reminds you of those faces in a carnival game where the objective is to throw in a ball through the mouth. It happens repeatedly in the episodes even over the most irrelevant things. Or how they run in only two movements every 3 frames or something. But its an 70's anime, so its forgivable.

But how is it i didn't notice this guy brushes off other cars on the road and lets them blow up into Nagasaki bomb with ease and no guilt at all?! unbelievable! Hey dude, how about teaching children to win honestly huh?!
Come to think of it most of my favorite childhood cartoons are extremely violent. Tom and jerry for instance! goodness. That cartoon is non-stop violent.
I was thinking of showing my niece my favorite cartoons but now that I've been noticing how ridiculously heartless the stuff on tv are right now, I'm having second thoughts.

I'm scared...

This is just to say

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

William Carlos Williams

erotica/you thrill me

you are who your are
and I
wouldn't want to change a thing
in spite of
all the pain that love can bring
so tell me
What can I do?

You thrill me,
surround me
You fill me
You send me,
You put me in a trance

Madonna

freaking geniouses.

oh no she didn't!

nano nano nano (rame rasanya..)

(super cool stuff and at the same time boring as hell)

When she's upset, especially at night, she doesn't just scream. She shrieks!
She shrieks this super high-pitched ultrasonic sound that I'm guessing only dogs and aliens can decode the meaning. Her entire body turns red, then a vein pops on her head. Then tears roll down. It suddenly makes you feel deep empathy. You're hopeless and it makes you sad. It's heartbreaking.

Then you play peek-a-boo with her, smile at her, kiss her stomach!
First she'll give you this half-smile, which is half her lip dragged up like she's making fun of you, then it stretches an inch, then she'll laugh without a sound, then you keep doing it and you'd find her laughing so loud sometimes her head rolls back! She breaks into this distinctive laughter I can't describe! It's a cheerful giggly rhythm that lights up the entire room and you find not only yourself, but everyone in the house laughing along.

You cradle her and sing to her till 3 am and she doesn't fall asleep, but stares at you with this confused serious glare. But when she finally does, you feel triumphant. Like you've conquered the greatest challenging reality TV race mankind had ever created.
Then you want to look at her forever.

She'd vomit on you, salivate, scratch you, kick and hit you but you don't mind at all. Just as long as she can fall sound asleep and wake up talking and giggling again. You can't wait to find out what she's going to learn in a day, or the kind of person she's going to be in later years. At the same time you don't want her to change at all.









Hey gorgeous,
bu-noy loves you so much!!

then what are we supposed to do?

Q: How does our appearance factor into the equation of falling in love?
A: This is interesting; we have found that if you are very unattractive, it can hurt you a lot in forming romantic relationships. However, being attractive doesn't help that much.


Oh. Great.

read here.

Years and years I've asked him the same question.

Part of me felt this longing to hold him, love him take away his pain and at the same time, questions filled my head. I didn't believe someone could love me, and could he love me? There was resistance. There was conflict. Turmoil. I questioned everything. Everything inside of me was restless.

Obviously both of us were very unprepared. I was a lost person. Ever the little lonely girl that was yearning for some form of stability in her life, and screaming for someone to accept her that way. I felt tired. Tired of always feeling alone in the world. So I searched for him, and I escaped. And I felt happy. Then one night as I lay in bed starring in the darkness of my room, summing up the truth did reality struck me like a jolt of lighting. My heart pumped fast. I got scared of my happiness. I was scared of losing it. And what will I become had I continued? Did I even deserve it ? who am I now to deserve any of this? I don't know my identity. I can't. Then that crazy voice whispered the truth. With it followed an intense ache hitting me from my center to the stomach.

Damn my rational subconscious, I sometimes wish you never existed.

I had to make the decision. At the same time I did not want to throw away what I have fought so hard for. Until I received the only message I would forever resent. I had to gather all my courage. I sat. I thought long. I frantically cried as I tried to write down everything I was about to say. My last sentences once and for all. As if either one was about to leave this earth for the last time. I cried about what I had, and what I'll never have.

All this time. All these years. These hours. My hours. My waiting.

My wasted years.

Could I have been right all along?
I was ready to be brave.
He wasn't. Not for me.

HEY ASSHOLE!!

.....

ultimate procrastinator

I'm comfortable here.

I am in comfort.

comfort
soft
white
clouds
giant
pillows
slow
breeze
bright
blue
skies
silence
warm

like a baby in a cradle..
zen
no
desire
to
move
talk
think
try
endless
horizon
clear
calm
safe.

somebody please slap me in the face

Kembali - Anggun

Lepaskan diriku dari semua duga
Dan biarkan aku terbang ikuti malam dan pagi
Jalan masih jauh yang harus aku tempuh
Dan harus aku coba meraih asa, cita dan cinta

unsure.
uneasy.
unclear.

lost my identity along with my dignity that day on.

maybe i was looking for a sense of normalcy in my life.
the feeling of approval i felt, that someone like him can accept an individual as atypical as me, then maybe the whole world can.

his love runs deep

"selamat ulang tahun Noy.
Dad sore ini ke chiang mai hadiri sidang cirdap (center on integrated rural development asia pacific).
Jaga rumah krn baru besok sore pulang."

Was the content of the text message my dad sent me on my 21st birthday. Which was shocking because usually he doesn't remember birthdays. It was beyond overwhelming. Inspite everything wrong i've done in the past especially this frightening year, i've only just understood how he conveys his feelings and that the only unconditional love you can ever look for and need lies in your own home.

i'm sorry dad for being such a terrible daughter.

i'm incredibly grateful.

frankie and johnny

Johnny: Now, there's a man and a woman. He's a cook. She's a waitress. Now, they meet and they don't connect. Only, she noticed him. He could feel it. And he noticed her. And they both knew it was going to happen. They made love, and for maybe one whole night, they forgot the 10 million things that make people think, I don't love this person, I don't like this person, I don't know this- Instead, it was perfect, and they were perfect. And that's all there was to know about. Only now, she's beginning to forget all that, and pretty soon he's going to forget it too.

huh...

falling in love is like buying a lottery ticket

no matter how much of it you have,
you can never expect to win.

As of 2:50 -ish pm today my eldest sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.

I still can't believe it,

I'm an AUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!