This is just to say

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

William Carlos Williams

erotica/you thrill me

you are who your are
and I
wouldn't want to change a thing
in spite of
all the pain that love can bring
so tell me
What can I do?

You thrill me,
surround me
You fill me
You send me,
You put me in a trance

Madonna

freaking geniouses.

oh no she didn't!

nano nano nano (rame rasanya..)

(super cool stuff and at the same time boring as hell)

When she's upset, especially at night, she doesn't just scream. She shrieks!
She shrieks this super high-pitched ultrasonic sound that I'm guessing only dogs and aliens can decode the meaning. Her entire body turns red, then a vein pops on her head. Then tears roll down. It suddenly makes you feel deep empathy. You're hopeless and it makes you sad. It's heartbreaking.

Then you play peek-a-boo with her, smile at her, kiss her stomach!
First she'll give you this half-smile, which is half her lip dragged up like she's making fun of you, then it stretches an inch, then she'll laugh without a sound, then you keep doing it and you'd find her laughing so loud sometimes her head rolls back! She breaks into this distinctive laughter I can't describe! It's a cheerful giggly rhythm that lights up the entire room and you find not only yourself, but everyone in the house laughing along.

You cradle her and sing to her till 3 am and she doesn't fall asleep, but stares at you with this confused serious glare. But when she finally does, you feel triumphant. Like you've conquered the greatest challenging reality TV race mankind had ever created.
Then you want to look at her forever.

She'd vomit on you, salivate, scratch you, kick and hit you but you don't mind at all. Just as long as she can fall sound asleep and wake up talking and giggling again. You can't wait to find out what she's going to learn in a day, or the kind of person she's going to be in later years. At the same time you don't want her to change at all.









Hey gorgeous,
bu-noy loves you so much!!

then what are we supposed to do?

Q: How does our appearance factor into the equation of falling in love?
A: This is interesting; we have found that if you are very unattractive, it can hurt you a lot in forming romantic relationships. However, being attractive doesn't help that much.


Oh. Great.

read here.

Years and years I've asked him the same question.

Part of me felt this longing to hold him, love him take away his pain and at the same time, questions filled my head. I didn't believe someone could love me, and could he love me? There was resistance. There was conflict. Turmoil. I questioned everything. Everything inside of me was restless.

Obviously both of us were very unprepared. I was a lost person. Ever the little lonely girl that was yearning for some form of stability in her life, and screaming for someone to accept her that way. I felt tired. Tired of always feeling alone in the world. So I searched for him, and I escaped. And I felt happy. Then one night as I lay in bed starring in the darkness of my room, summing up the truth did reality struck me like a jolt of lighting. My heart pumped fast. I got scared of my happiness. I was scared of losing it. And what will I become had I continued? Did I even deserve it ? who am I now to deserve any of this? I don't know my identity. I can't. Then that crazy voice whispered the truth. With it followed an intense ache hitting me from my center to the stomach.

Damn my rational subconscious, I sometimes wish you never existed.

I had to make the decision. At the same time I did not want to throw away what I have fought so hard for. Until I received the only message I would forever resent. I had to gather all my courage. I sat. I thought long. I frantically cried as I tried to write down everything I was about to say. My last sentences once and for all. As if either one was about to leave this earth for the last time. I cried about what I had, and what I'll never have.

All this time. All these years. These hours. My hours. My waiting.

My wasted years.

Could I have been right all along?
I was ready to be brave.
He wasn't. Not for me.

HEY ASSHOLE!!

.....

ultimate procrastinator

I'm comfortable here.

I am in comfort.

comfort
soft
white
clouds
giant
pillows
slow
breeze
bright
blue
skies
silence
warm

like a baby in a cradle..
zen
no
desire
to
move
talk
think
try
endless
horizon
clear
calm
safe.

somebody please slap me in the face

Kembali - Anggun

Lepaskan diriku dari semua duga
Dan biarkan aku terbang ikuti malam dan pagi
Jalan masih jauh yang harus aku tempuh
Dan harus aku coba meraih asa, cita dan cinta

unsure.
uneasy.
unclear.

lost my identity along with my dignity that day on.

maybe i was looking for a sense of normalcy in my life.
the feeling of approval i felt, that someone like him can accept an individual as atypical as me, then maybe the whole world can.

his love runs deep

"selamat ulang tahun Noy.
Dad sore ini ke chiang mai hadiri sidang cirdap (center on integrated rural development asia pacific).
Jaga rumah krn baru besok sore pulang."

Was the content of the text message my dad sent me on my 21st birthday. Which was shocking because usually he doesn't remember birthdays. It was beyond overwhelming. Inspite everything wrong i've done in the past especially this frightening year, i've only just understood how he conveys his feelings and that the only unconditional love you can ever look for and need lies in your own home.

i'm sorry dad for being such a terrible daughter.

i'm incredibly grateful.

frankie and johnny

Johnny: Now, there's a man and a woman. He's a cook. She's a waitress. Now, they meet and they don't connect. Only, she noticed him. He could feel it. And he noticed her. And they both knew it was going to happen. They made love, and for maybe one whole night, they forgot the 10 million things that make people think, I don't love this person, I don't like this person, I don't know this- Instead, it was perfect, and they were perfect. And that's all there was to know about. Only now, she's beginning to forget all that, and pretty soon he's going to forget it too.

huh...

falling in love is like buying a lottery ticket

no matter how much of it you have,
you can never expect to win.

As of 2:50 -ish pm today my eldest sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.

I still can't believe it,

I'm an AUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

retarded 3 year old me

time is unkind

I once read a quote from Donald Trump, “A man who loves his job never labors”.

I wonder why I keep having the desire to dream and try a certain career, but that desire quickly disappears as fast as it comes. I have a particular idea of the woman I aspire to be. But till this point I’m dubious about my true identity and my capability, or whether I would enjoy doing something and find it worthwhile for once. And I know without that missing part, I could never change myself to be that woman.

I am incredibly envious of people that know who they are, what they want to be in this life from an early age and struggle to be that. I think the power of will, and the lengths a person would go to reach one’s dream, is such an incredible gift God embedded in us.

But how do you find that? How do you know, for sure what your destiny is and what you’re meant to be on this earth? I know I’m not the first person to feel lost and desperate for an answer. Looking around me- I see lots of people, attempting to find that particular answer, maybe avoiding it, or desperately trying to fill in a void - in all the wrong places. It calms me a little sometimes to find that there are other people on the same boat. But their lives aren’t mine. And I don't want to be anything like them. I can’t help but feel estranged and abandoned every now again.

I feel like I'm drifted in an ocean. Dark. I'm floating. I'm still.

How and why can I still be floating?

Maybe it’s my destiny to keep searching this way. To keep trying all sorts of things until I find what I’m truly meant to be. Could that be my life? Is life really about searching your purpose? I often think that destiny isn’t as far stretched as it is anything but one’s will. But I feel like I don’t have the courage to truly let go and live a life of constant uncertainty and have no control over my life, or absolutely nothing to sustain me in the future. In the meantime, time doesn't wait.

my vampire name

Your Vampire Name Is...

Lady the Insane

What's Your Vampire Name?

You are so beautiful to me.

Every song gives a different definition to the listeners ears, and this song particularly, has its own depths in touching my so-called sensitive being. The song emphasizes on the same sentence, over and over again, and yet that is the entity of what the creator had to convey. In spite every frustrating ugliness that envelops life, upon the acceptance of somebody- anyone, anything, in their every flaw- entirely. Those are the only magic words that seem reassuring to it all. Short and sweet. Such small yet powerful words have i found the song maker to succeed in enticing my current ever-so melancholic self. And as I listened to the song repeat itself, it made me smile, an inevitable smile. One filled with much bittersweetness..