retarded 3 year old me

time is unkind

I once read a quote from Donald Trump, “A man who loves his job never labors”.

I wonder why I keep having the desire to dream and try a certain career, but that desire quickly disappears as fast as it comes. I have a particular idea of the woman I aspire to be. But till this point I’m dubious about my true identity and my capability, or whether I would enjoy doing something and find it worthwhile for once. And I know without that missing part, I could never change myself to be that woman.

I am incredibly envious of people that know who they are, what they want to be in this life from an early age and struggle to be that. I think the power of will, and the lengths a person would go to reach one’s dream, is such an incredible gift God embedded in us.

But how do you find that? How do you know, for sure what your destiny is and what you’re meant to be on this earth? I know I’m not the first person to feel lost and desperate for an answer. Looking around me- I see lots of people, attempting to find that particular answer, maybe avoiding it, or desperately trying to fill in a void - in all the wrong places. It calms me a little sometimes to find that there are other people on the same boat. But their lives aren’t mine. And I don't want to be anything like them. I can’t help but feel estranged and abandoned every now again.

I feel like I'm drifted in an ocean. Dark. I'm floating. I'm still.

How and why can I still be floating?

Maybe it’s my destiny to keep searching this way. To keep trying all sorts of things until I find what I’m truly meant to be. Could that be my life? Is life really about searching your purpose? I often think that destiny isn’t as far stretched as it is anything but one’s will. But I feel like I don’t have the courage to truly let go and live a life of constant uncertainty and have no control over my life, or absolutely nothing to sustain me in the future. In the meantime, time doesn't wait.

my vampire name

Your Vampire Name Is...

Lady the Insane

What's Your Vampire Name?

You are so beautiful to me.

Every song gives a different definition to the listeners ears, and this song particularly, has its own depths in touching my so-called sensitive being. The song emphasizes on the same sentence, over and over again, and yet that is the entity of what the creator had to convey. In spite every frustrating ugliness that envelops life, upon the acceptance of somebody- anyone, anything, in their every flaw- entirely. Those are the only magic words that seem reassuring to it all. Short and sweet. Such small yet powerful words have i found the song maker to succeed in enticing my current ever-so melancholic self. And as I listened to the song repeat itself, it made me smile, an inevitable smile. One filled with much bittersweetness..

Lately my mind has been narrating on my every thought.
Dictating my every move. Like a mental typewriter that endlessly work under invisible hands. As if somebody is secretly elaborating my small and currently meaningless life into a picture. Evidently proving the impact of reading my current profound book, or the stream less amount of every feminine teardrop that resulted out of watching my sister's collection of independent films. And it gave me the urge to suddenly, write. And i don't write. Not at least for the past 3 years. I normally tend to let my harmless thoughts linger in my brain as it rapidly develops into an insomniac tornado whenever i head to bed. I figured if i do, maybe it would stop the irritating sound of the typewriter; that produced flying vocabularies in my head, and slowly rekindle me back to a more safer, saner state of mind.

Write, about the complete likeliness of spending my slow pacing days, by the useless act of lying in my room, senselessly staring at the ceiling. Absorbing every single melancholy breath, lying in one place as i audience myself and my surroundings in utter drama. Imagining as though I had gone through such a spectacular and exciting imaginative scenery, as though time does not define anything, anymore. Waking up to the familiar disappointment on the truth, these random and tiring questions swim through my brain. Every logical and irrational thought of what i crucially should be doing, contradict each other, and yet i continue to concentrate on the irrelevant. Differing in a little bit more productive manner : spilling out my pointless thoughts on this laptop.

I - need - help.